Jurassic World

I've just watched Jurassic World. I didn't enjoy it. My expectations were to see some dinosaurs and hear the Jurassic Park theme tune again and, yeah, we hit that expectation pretty well. The thing for me that just kept making me feel that little bit more annoyed was the amount of stereotypes. The predictability of the plot, I guess, was always going to be clear but did the film have to hit these stereotypes so hard on? I don't want this to sound like a film review because the thought that lingered in my mind through the film was that, for an actor watching, is this what I'm aiming for? Am I working so hard to be that lucky person to finally hit the big time to play a character seen so many times before to say terrible lines? If I'm a young kid wanting to be an actor and seeing this film as the highest of the high then I'd think I don't have to really do all that much acting. I just have to get good at saying cheesy lines and looking good when they say action. I summed it up in my head as a classic bullshit blockbuster. It in no way deserved it's billion dollars. It also made me think if, as actors, we have a right to be unhappy with who we are playing and what lines we're given. If we have a case to be unhappy with filmmakers giving us one dimensional characters and shitty lines. Is it the filmmakers responsibility to not only make a great film but also test the actors ability with a really brilliant deep character and natural sounding lines? It pissed me off.

It also made me think about what kind of actor I want to be. My love of acting started with heartfelt moments in genuine feeling stories where you felt it as much as the character on the screen was. You were right there with them and tonight really uninspired me. I choose a great role over a great price any time. I'm not here to sell out. I'm not here to sprint to the top and burn out straight after. I want to play characters that people will fall for, love, cry for, and be there for every emotion they go through. Jurassic World did nothing. I felt like it was out to tick enough boxes to make a decent movie and the title and history of the films would carry it the rest of the way to big money. I'd be perfectly happy indie filmmaking on no budget with a story that will excite and characters that people will love rather than just painting the audience bland. You were an important watch Jurassic World. I hope I never fall to the hands of a predictability ridden film like you.

I Turned 26

So here I am walking home from London Bridge because the weather is brilliant. It's an hour and a half walk but screw using a stuffy tube for half an hour. And I'm thinking to myself what if luck is saying fuck waiting until 30 for your break to come. This is the start of something now. The tilt into more jobs starts here. I've been shortlisted for a feature film, doing another TV advert next week as well as auditioning for an Irish TV advert and waiting to hear back from another advert that will see me travel to Greece to film. What if the break came now? What if I decided not to be sensible and think that this is it. I'm going to start getting famous right now. If I dare myself to relax into the notion that every job I go for is mine I wonder if people will see a change. A successful man has walked into your room whether you give him this job or not.

Confidence is everything. Without it I move back to Bournemouth thinking it was worth a try but we always knew we'd end up back here. With it I'm a focused determined success and people will know that from how I carry myself. One of my heroes is short of confidence at the moment and I can see how much of a difference it makes. The stamina of my determination is always tested but hasn't made a dent yet. I'm a really fucking good actor and I deserve to be getting better jobs. People shouldn't confuse arrogance with determination because whether anyone else does or not I believe in myself wholeheartedly. And if I lose confidence along the way I will need people there to remind me of who I am and how hard I can fight to be a success. One of my best friends once said to me "in my eyes you're already a success because you said you'd move to London and you're there doing it right now" and that made me think no matter what I've had the bravery to do it. But I'm a perfectionist and I demand to not leave London until I've made it. It's crazy what a difference I feel turning 26 in growing up and being more focused. I hope and have faith when I turn 27 I'll still be in London fighting.

Head Down

A family friend asked me a couple of days ago how I've found life since living in London and this was my answer. I don't think I've realised how hard the last 2 and a half years have been because I've kept my head down and got on with things, and that's how I'll always be.

When things have been hard I've got over it quick and not allowed myself to dwell on anything. I try not to give myself time to think about what's just happened and how amazing things could have been but look to how things will get better. I won't allow myself to look back because I don't want to stop what I'm doing. I don't want to distract myself with daydreamy "look how well I've done" thoughts and that is probably why I can sometimes not know what to do with compliments and not give myself praise all that much. But that question made me stop, look back, and realise it's been a really fucking hard 2 and a half years. And I'd never admit it because I kept my head down. Ignored it. Focused on the positives and all that talk. And I've been grateful.

Yes it's been hard but it's been fun and I'm having the best time of my life. It's hard now but it won't be when things start to really go right. It's only been 2 and a half years after all. My fight and determination has not reduced and every penny will go into London. I moved here because I was impatient and didn't want to wait for drama school. I never needed it in the first place and diving in the deep end has been the best decision. Yes it's difficult. Of course it is. But I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's right now. There is no time limit on how long I'll be here. Just like there's no time limit on the love you have for your family or a best mate. I'm in this wholeheartedly and I always will be.

Positive People

I want to blog about my friends Adam, Taylor and Sam. 2 weeks ago I had a job interview for a sales job on a pretty good yearly wage. A lovely 9-5 Monday to Friday job. A friend of mine in exactly the same position as me had taken it with the flexibility to still go to auditions and it would be a very quick step to money worries disappearing. My head really wanted this. My heart didn't. My family were behind it and so were my friends back in Bournemouth. I talked with Adam, Taylor and Sam for hours about what it would mean to get this job and my dear friends didn't want me losing my creativity or myself in this job. I love them wholeheartedly. They told me what I hadn't even thought of or anyone had said. They wanted me to be sure and I wasn't. I wanted this job because I need money. I am definitely not a natural salesman. As I soon learnt...

The interview was an hour and 45 minutes and was very tough. I didn't get the job. And I was so happy and relieved not to. Something I constantly try to explain to my family is that there is nothing else I will do. I am an actor. I'm not an office worker. I will never do anything else and I will stay in London until I make it. I owe my life to Adam, Taylor and Sam. Their positivity and faith have got me through so much negativity. They are enthusiastic about everything I do even when I'm not. I made a film because of them. I do voice over work because of them. I think differently about so much because of them. I am more confident. More thoughtful. More creative. A brilliant actress told me "surround yourself with positive people" which is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given. With these three I can do anything. Sometimes people still need someone to push them to do something they're not sure about, and they've pushed me to be who I am now. My success is down to them. I remember when I first moved to London I said to myself "whatever happens, be thankful". And I am for so much. Especially these three people. God bless them.

Bump

This weekend I have ticked off something from my bucket list. I wrote and directed my first film yesterday. I'm still shattered from the day but it went perfectly and I'm really proud of myself for it. Up to about a week ago I still thought in the back of my head that this may not ever happen. I've said in the past that I've planned to do a short film but I made sure that this was going to happen this year. I'm really thankful for the people around me who made it happen too. My friends Adam and Sam who I've worked with so many times before and inspired me to think about making films in the first place. One of the best pieces of advice I ever was given was to surround yourself with positive people and I know I owe them for a lot more than just this weekend. I called in all the favours I could with this and am so thankful for the kindness of people getting involved. This last week has been the best week of the year so far. Certain auditions that have happened have made me believe in myself more. I didn't realise how much my belief this year had dropped until I got it back this last week. The next task now is trying stand up in Wolverhampton in 2 weeks...but that's for another time. For now I am feeling happier than I have for a very long time. I realised it's a risk doing this. Not just financially moving up to London but I realise I've signed up to a life of massive highs and lows. I can feel stuck and depressed and then in a heartbeat something can change and I will be on top again. If that's what I've got to live with for a while then so be it. Whatever happens I'll still think of more film ideas and create more. I am proud and happy and full of love for the people who have helped me. I can't wait to show people this film and hope for a great reaction.

Worn Out

I'm tired. I think I lost a lot through the panto and can't help but feel lethargic now it's over. This first week has been pretty depressing and I need to find some inspiration. I joined another casting website and have been looking at a list I made a long time ago of things to to do to make me more proactive and have been on top of things this week. But I can't help but feel tired. It's dawned on me a lot that I need to get some big work over the next couple of months otherwise I won't be able to live in London anymore. I need to wake up and get realistic and realise money is running low. I can afford this year but I need to hope and pray that something good will come. I've been thinking that the voice over work and film ideas I want to make I could easily do with a full time job and that's a bad thought to have. I still want to be an actor of course. I just think I need a break. A holiday. I spoke to my actress friend Kate the other day and she talked about having a break to refocus yourself and I think I need that. I'm feeling uninspired and I don't want to be. I was always pretty good at getting along ok without thinking realistically and having faith something would come along. I lost a lot of that through the pantomime. I won't be doing panto again. As much of a good experience as it was I didn't want to be there. I kept thinking about the feature film audition I had last year and the very unhealthy thought of 'what if'. I could be best mates with Tom Felton by now but I'm stuck here doing panto. I kept my head down and got on with it but this last week has been shitty.

We'll see how next week goes. I need a bit of luck and something to kick me up the ass to give me some faith again. This is the first time I've lost this much faith in what I'm doing. I don't want to go back to Bournemouth. Yet I've thought about it a lot this week and London hasn't been nice to return to. I think it's just a bad week I've had. I want to feel like I did when I first moved here. Small step by step aims and big hopes. But I feel like I don't have much time now and the next 6 months will be huge to dictate where I'll be by the end of the year. I've got a good mind to just go abroad. One way ticket somewhere when my tenancy agreement is up in August and see how I do till I decide it's time to come home. These are just silly pipe dreams. I've just had a bad week. We'll see what next week brings.

2014

I don't like 2014. I had a good opening 2 months but that's all I can say about it. There are too many resolutions I've passed onto 2015's shoulders. 2014 was not a bad year but certainly a quiet one. I have spent the last few weeks doing panto performing to occasionally only a few audience members and thinking about the opportunities I had that would have stopped all this. My feature film audition being the focal point of my thoughts. I want to make it clear though that I'm happy doing panto. It's been really rewarding and great fun with some awesome people. But I have to be honest, as I brutally am in these blogs, I felt a bit of a loser over Christmas. I had nothing brilliant to say about my recent jobs. Only that I was in panto which, to most people, is a pretty lame thing to be part of.

This is a negative blog about the year but I say it with a happiness that the pantomine will finish in February. That I've written and plan to shoot and direct my first short film at the end of February. That I'm going to try stand up in Wolverhampton in March. This pantomime if anything has made me more determined to sort my career out once it's over. My family laugh at me quite a lot. I don't think they understand when I talk about my creative side, my silly songs, my film ideas, my sketches. I want to show them what I'm trying to get across by doing it. I want them to be proud of me, for my friends to be proud of me. Right now I don't feel I have that with my pantomime and need to finish it to move onto serious things. This time next year I want to be proud I made a film, that I tried stand up and that my career is going somewhere really exciting. And it will. 2014 was a stepping stone to something bigger. 2015 will be different.