Monday, 25 November 2013

Make It Fucking Happen

Last night I drunkenly text myself simply the words 'make it fucking happen'. Ironically the text failed. I wanted to remember it though and it was written all over my phone this morning. I was talking with some friends and explaining the last few years. Uni. Trying to get into drama school. Failing to do so and...I couldn't finish the sentence. I was trying to say that I wholeheartedly couldn't and didn't want to stay in Bournemouth any longer. I could not sit around and wait for my career to stagnate by doing the 'sensible' thing. I struggled to get my words out because I genuinely couldn't formulate into words the need and urge to make my career happen already. It's such a strong emotion being almost angry with passion that I could not stay in Bournemouth for another year. I've been annoyed at myself for a few days now. I have been auditioning a fair bit now under my agent and through myself and I haven't got anything from it yet. 2013 has been the best and worst year for me and I feel to write it off with some happiness and hope I want to get a few jobs to show some promise for 2014. Confidence is low and I could do with a win is really what it boils down to. I wouldn't even put this as a very low low at all but sometimes it's going to get to me that I haven't succeeded in these auditions yet. We can call it bad luck or just that I didn't look right for the part but that is not at all enough for me. I want to be owning auditions and knowing that if they don't pick me they've made the wrong choice because I would be capable of doing a brilliant job. With every unsuccessful audition I get more determined for the next one. It's like I hit a checkpoint of feeling low and I am reminded to get the fuck back up and go out fighting once more. It was always going to be a tough time of getting somewhere but I need to keep my head up.

2014 is one big question mark at the moment. I believe it may be the same rocky path as this year's been  but I know that the mentality of a fresh year will be enough to drive me to making sure something happens. I don't want to look back in a few years time and think I could have done so much more. I want to be somewhere sitting on financial safety knowing I worked for this. It's a tough job. But I wouldn't do anything else. I can't. It's not a question of me wanting to be an actor. I need to. It's just like last night trying to explain how my entire being wanted to get to London and live it. Yes it was a risk. Yes I am quite genuinely a penniless actor but I am so happy in my heart knowing that I did what I wanted to do and I didn't let anything stop me. It is the best decision I made and I will never regret it. I just need a little more luck and a win to keep me here. I like Bournemouth but I don't want to live there again until I'm settling down with a beautiful wife and 11 brilliant children. They could make a football team. Despite the nightmare the kit man would have with the surnames on the back of the shirts.

I am happy here but I need to work harder, keep my head up and hope for a little bit of luck. I need to 'make it fucking happen'. I don't want to have already had my last job of 2013. I cannot let that be that. 2013 is still for the taking and I will make sure that I don't let this year fade out so soon. I have 1 month left to change everything.