Things are changing. The biggest job for me now is to not about making the decision I need to make but to be ok with it. I think its time to slow things down and focus on what needs to be done to stay in London. I have decided to commit myself to jobs away from acting for a while to make sure I have enough money to live and survive in London. Without trying to sound pretentious I can feel my interests evolving out of acting. I have thought for some time now, and may have mentioned it in previous blogs, about creating and directing my own short film. With the birth of a creation my friend Adam and I have made well on its way to being completed ready for film festivals I am writing a script for a trilogy of short films I would love to make this year. Before February this year I never took my mutterings of film ideas seriously. I am so pleased I'm doing something I never thought I would. It really is about who you surround yourself with and how that inspires you to do things differently. There are people in my life who, whenever I'm around them, I get things done with. Whenever I am with them something changes and I become so much more creative and inspired to see that it really isn't hard to complete what for so long was just a whisper of a thought. The surprise of this all is how much my film idea has inspired me and how excited I get about it. It will be a directorial debut and if it works on screen as it does in my head it will be one to remember.
What I am doing will take time. I am making sure I do things the way that I want to do them and will not say yes to anything but the perfect finished performance. It's a new kind of excitement. I have had pieces of my work judged and marked before but this is something I want to hit right on the nail. I will finish my showreel this week and be emailing agents once more and hope for the best. As the case has been these past months I just need more time and time is what I can give myself. I took a long time to come to terms with the idea that I may need to get a full time job and not think about acting for a moment. I was and am maybe still scared that, once I commit to a full time job, it will take me a long time to climb out and get stuck into acting again. It's hard. I know I'm hard on myself but I'm an impatient perfectionist and that mix with this career was always going to produce some bad days. I want to keep my head above worry with the creations that I have made and been a part of so far. If working for a long time is what's needed to give me the best chance to become an actor then I have to bite the bullet and get it done. I look to the end of the year already and feel happy I know I will have achieved all that I wanted to do at the start of the year. It's time to be patient and accept that I can't waltz along hoping a nicely paid acting job will fall on my lap any time soon. I need to get real, get patient, and get writing more.