It's been probably the slowest couple of months of my career. It's taken me too long to realise that there is always something to be getting on with. Once I've applied for all the jobs I can it doesn't mean I can relax and wait for the opportunities to come flooding. The other day my friend and I made a proactive list of things to do. We both agreed we felt lost. I don't mean in what I want to be doing. I am an actor. I always will be. It's just been hard when no jobs have come my way and to find a reason to get up and start working hard and finding the motivation. There is a idea of myself of who I want to be. I'm now driving myself to become this proactive hard working person that I know I'm not right now.
So this list. I won't say what's on it as its quite a personal one but if I achieve what's on this list I will be a different worker to what I am now. I've realised how much better I am at working when I'm happy. Months of not having much luck has resulted in a decline in motivation and I've got my panto in 2 weeks which has made me feel like I can't start anything until that is over. I don't want to be someone who focuses on one thing at a time. I don't like the idea of not thinking about anything else whilst I'm doing panto so part of this list is to drive me to keep working on other projects over Christmas. I've set aims and deadlines to drive me to work on my own comedy songs, stand up, and sketches. I make a lot of lists. Usually on these lists are recurring themes of 'try stand up' and 'learn to swing dance' and others. Things that aren't important to my acting necessarily but things that will make me happy. That's why I wanted to be an actor in the first place. I am driven by what makes me happy and know how much happier I will feel if I could do these things. This list is about the things that make me unhappy now and how to get out of this horrible rhythm I've created. I've been as honest with myself as possible and I know what potential I have to be someone who has things going on all the time. I know at some point very soon I will not need to worry about not working all the time because I'll be happy. I'm still looking for that motivation but I'm getting happier and more hopeful that I won't need to imagine this person who I want to be anymore. I know what I can do and what I'm capable of. Now I just need to get my head up and work hard to get it.
