I'm tired. I think I lost a lot through the panto and can't help but feel lethargic now it's over. This first week has been pretty depressing and I need to find some inspiration. I joined another casting website and have been looking at a list I made a long time ago of things to to do to make me more proactive and have been on top of things this week. But I can't help but feel tired. It's dawned on me a lot that I need to get some big work over the next couple of months otherwise I won't be able to live in London anymore. I need to wake up and get realistic and realise money is running low. I can afford this year but I need to hope and pray that something good will come. I've been thinking that the voice over work and film ideas I want to make I could easily do with a full time job and that's a bad thought to have. I still want to be an actor of course. I just think I need a break. A holiday. I spoke to my actress friend Kate the other day and she talked about having a break to refocus yourself and I think I need that. I'm feeling uninspired and I don't want to be. I was always pretty good at getting along ok without thinking realistically and having faith something would come along. I lost a lot of that through the pantomime. I won't be doing panto again. As much of a good experience as it was I didn't want to be there. I kept thinking about the feature film audition I had last year and the very unhealthy thought of 'what if'. I could be best mates with Tom Felton by now but I'm stuck here doing panto. I kept my head down and got on with it but this last week has been shitty.
We'll see how next week goes. I need a bit of luck and something to kick me up the ass to give me some faith again. This is the first time I've lost this much faith in what I'm doing. I don't want to go back to Bournemouth. Yet I've thought about it a lot this week and London hasn't been nice to return to. I think it's just a bad week I've had. I want to feel like I did when I first moved here. Small step by step aims and big hopes. But I feel like I don't have much time now and the next 6 months will be huge to dictate where I'll be by the end of the year. I've got a good mind to just go abroad. One way ticket somewhere when my tenancy agreement is up in August and see how I do till I decide it's time to come home. These are just silly pipe dreams. I've just had a bad week. We'll see what next week brings.
