I love doing these blogs. It's really therapeutic and I feel like I get everything on my mind off my chest. I've always been proud of how honest I am with them and I'll say exactly what's going on and how I'm feeling. If you read back on all of the posts of this blog I realise probably most, if not all of them, are either 'I'm feeling a bit down about things' or 'I'm determined to stop feeling down about things' which could potentially be a bit boring and repetitive. So to not break tradition I'm going to tell it straight and it may be a bit of a downer but know that it's all ok.
For the first time over the last month and a half I've been questioning how long I can be an actor for. I still want to do it of course but for the first time I started to think responsibly about how much money I can spend on staying in London and hoping things will work out. Acting is unpredictable and it can happen for anyone just like good actors can go their whole lives without anything happening to them. After what can only be described as a shit-tonne of tax to pay, a short film made over budget and no notably moneymaking acting jobs to speak of I started to think how realistic this is. I'm back to the Sam who first moved to London, unsure if I'll be here in a years time, but with less optimism. I'm tired. I get so tired of trying to constantly look for jobs and be positive and keep my head up and have faith that something will come up. The truth is I feel more pessimistic than ever about it. The faith and hope aren't there. I've felt quite depressed most of this month and just haven't been myself. I'd rather be alone in the evenings than see anyone and just didn't have the passion to make an effort to see people. I found out that a job I'd done last year was extending the usage which meant a bit more money which was great but didn't change how I felt. It's all starting to feel like I'm using small amounts of money that I'll get from jobs to plug a leak for the time being and not looking at the bigger problem of how I can achieve more and not have to rely on these little jobs to squeeze rent out of each month. I'm starting to look at the bigger picture. I feel very grown up. It's horrible.
God that was depressing. I feel like I should apologise for being such a down clown. Basically I'm feeling a lot better now. I went home last week and feel a lot better for it. I talked to my family about it and had a lot of thinking time. I also remembered that this is how I've felt the last 2 years at this point in the year and I got out of the slump. I don't know how many people read this when I post but I'm glad when people do. And totally get that I can be a Moany Mcdownerson with it sometimes. It's my therapy and I like to get it off my chest. It's my window to say how it's really going without sugarcoating things.
So to sum up:
- Actings hard
- Had a bit of a wobble
- Stopped wobbling
And that was March. April will be better.