Head Down

A family friend asked me a couple of days ago how I've found life since living in London and this was my answer. I don't think I've realised how hard the last 2 and a half years have been because I've kept my head down and got on with things, and that's how I'll always be.

When things have been hard I've got over it quick and not allowed myself to dwell on anything. I try not to give myself time to think about what's just happened and how amazing things could have been but look to how things will get better. I won't allow myself to look back because I don't want to stop what I'm doing. I don't want to distract myself with daydreamy "look how well I've done" thoughts and that is probably why I can sometimes not know what to do with compliments and not give myself praise all that much. But that question made me stop, look back, and realise it's been a really fucking hard 2 and a half years. And I'd never admit it because I kept my head down. Ignored it. Focused on the positives and all that talk. And I've been grateful.

Yes it's been hard but it's been fun and I'm having the best time of my life. It's hard now but it won't be when things start to really go right. It's only been 2 and a half years after all. My fight and determination has not reduced and every penny will go into London. I moved here because I was impatient and didn't want to wait for drama school. I never needed it in the first place and diving in the deep end has been the best decision. Yes it's difficult. Of course it is. But I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's right now. There is no time limit on how long I'll be here. Just like there's no time limit on the love you have for your family or a best mate. I'm in this wholeheartedly and I always will be.

Positive People

I want to blog about my friends Adam, Taylor and Sam. 2 weeks ago I had a job interview for a sales job on a pretty good yearly wage. A lovely 9-5 Monday to Friday job. A friend of mine in exactly the same position as me had taken it with the flexibility to still go to auditions and it would be a very quick step to money worries disappearing. My head really wanted this. My heart didn't. My family were behind it and so were my friends back in Bournemouth. I talked with Adam, Taylor and Sam for hours about what it would mean to get this job and my dear friends didn't want me losing my creativity or myself in this job. I love them wholeheartedly. They told me what I hadn't even thought of or anyone had said. They wanted me to be sure and I wasn't. I wanted this job because I need money. I am definitely not a natural salesman. As I soon learnt...

The interview was an hour and 45 minutes and was very tough. I didn't get the job. And I was so happy and relieved not to. Something I constantly try to explain to my family is that there is nothing else I will do. I am an actor. I'm not an office worker. I will never do anything else and I will stay in London until I make it. I owe my life to Adam, Taylor and Sam. Their positivity and faith have got me through so much negativity. They are enthusiastic about everything I do even when I'm not. I made a film because of them. I do voice over work because of them. I think differently about so much because of them. I am more confident. More thoughtful. More creative. A brilliant actress told me "surround yourself with positive people" which is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given. With these three I can do anything. Sometimes people still need someone to push them to do something they're not sure about, and they've pushed me to be who I am now. My success is down to them. I remember when I first moved to London I said to myself "whatever happens, be thankful". And I am for so much. Especially these three people. God bless them.

Bump

This weekend I have ticked off something from my bucket list. I wrote and directed my first film yesterday. I'm still shattered from the day but it went perfectly and I'm really proud of myself for it. Up to about a week ago I still thought in the back of my head that this may not ever happen. I've said in the past that I've planned to do a short film but I made sure that this was going to happen this year. I'm really thankful for the people around me who made it happen too. My friends Adam and Sam who I've worked with so many times before and inspired me to think about making films in the first place. One of the best pieces of advice I ever was given was to surround yourself with positive people and I know I owe them for a lot more than just this weekend. I called in all the favours I could with this and am so thankful for the kindness of people getting involved. This last week has been the best week of the year so far. Certain auditions that have happened have made me believe in myself more. I didn't realise how much my belief this year had dropped until I got it back this last week. The next task now is trying stand up in Wolverhampton in 2 weeks...but that's for another time. For now I am feeling happier than I have for a very long time. I realised it's a risk doing this. Not just financially moving up to London but I realise I've signed up to a life of massive highs and lows. I can feel stuck and depressed and then in a heartbeat something can change and I will be on top again. If that's what I've got to live with for a while then so be it. Whatever happens I'll still think of more film ideas and create more. I am proud and happy and full of love for the people who have helped me. I can't wait to show people this film and hope for a great reaction.

Worn Out

I'm tired. I think I lost a lot through the panto and can't help but feel lethargic now it's over. This first week has been pretty depressing and I need to find some inspiration. I joined another casting website and have been looking at a list I made a long time ago of things to to do to make me more proactive and have been on top of things this week. But I can't help but feel tired. It's dawned on me a lot that I need to get some big work over the next couple of months otherwise I won't be able to live in London anymore. I need to wake up and get realistic and realise money is running low. I can afford this year but I need to hope and pray that something good will come. I've been thinking that the voice over work and film ideas I want to make I could easily do with a full time job and that's a bad thought to have. I still want to be an actor of course. I just think I need a break. A holiday. I spoke to my actress friend Kate the other day and she talked about having a break to refocus yourself and I think I need that. I'm feeling uninspired and I don't want to be. I was always pretty good at getting along ok without thinking realistically and having faith something would come along. I lost a lot of that through the pantomime. I won't be doing panto again. As much of a good experience as it was I didn't want to be there. I kept thinking about the feature film audition I had last year and the very unhealthy thought of 'what if'. I could be best mates with Tom Felton by now but I'm stuck here doing panto. I kept my head down and got on with it but this last week has been shitty.

We'll see how next week goes. I need a bit of luck and something to kick me up the ass to give me some faith again. This is the first time I've lost this much faith in what I'm doing. I don't want to go back to Bournemouth. Yet I've thought about it a lot this week and London hasn't been nice to return to. I think it's just a bad week I've had. I want to feel like I did when I first moved here. Small step by step aims and big hopes. But I feel like I don't have much time now and the next 6 months will be huge to dictate where I'll be by the end of the year. I've got a good mind to just go abroad. One way ticket somewhere when my tenancy agreement is up in August and see how I do till I decide it's time to come home. These are just silly pipe dreams. I've just had a bad week. We'll see what next week brings.

2014

I don't like 2014. I had a good opening 2 months but that's all I can say about it. There are too many resolutions I've passed onto 2015's shoulders. 2014 was not a bad year but certainly a quiet one. I have spent the last few weeks doing panto performing to occasionally only a few audience members and thinking about the opportunities I had that would have stopped all this. My feature film audition being the focal point of my thoughts. I want to make it clear though that I'm happy doing panto. It's been really rewarding and great fun with some awesome people. But I have to be honest, as I brutally am in these blogs, I felt a bit of a loser over Christmas. I had nothing brilliant to say about my recent jobs. Only that I was in panto which, to most people, is a pretty lame thing to be part of.

This is a negative blog about the year but I say it with a happiness that the pantomine will finish in February. That I've written and plan to shoot and direct my first short film at the end of February. That I'm going to try stand up in Wolverhampton in March. This pantomime if anything has made me more determined to sort my career out once it's over. My family laugh at me quite a lot. I don't think they understand when I talk about my creative side, my silly songs, my film ideas, my sketches. I want to show them what I'm trying to get across by doing it. I want them to be proud of me, for my friends to be proud of me. Right now I don't feel I have that with my pantomime and need to finish it to move onto serious things. This time next year I want to be proud I made a film, that I tried stand up and that my career is going somewhere really exciting. And it will. 2014 was a stepping stone to something bigger. 2015 will be different.

Main Aim: Do More

It's been probably the slowest couple of months of my career. It's taken me too long to realise that there is always something to be getting on with. Once I've applied for all the jobs I can it doesn't mean I can relax and wait for the opportunities to come flooding. The other day my friend and I made a proactive list of things to do. We both agreed we felt lost. I don't mean in what I want to be doing. I am an actor. I always will be. It's just been hard when no jobs have come my way and to find a reason to get up and start working hard and finding the motivation. There is a idea of myself of who I want to be. I'm now driving myself to become this proactive hard working person that I know I'm not right now.

So this list. I won't say what's on it as its quite a personal one but if I achieve what's on this list I will be a different worker to what I am now. I've realised how much better I am at working when I'm happy. Months of not having much luck has resulted in a decline in motivation and I've got my panto in 2 weeks which has made me feel like I can't start anything until that is over. I don't want to be someone who focuses on one thing at a time. I don't like the idea of not thinking about anything else whilst I'm doing panto so part of this list is to drive me to keep working on other projects over Christmas. I've set aims and deadlines to drive me to work on my own comedy songs, stand up, and sketches. I make a lot of lists. Usually on these lists are recurring themes of 'try stand up' and 'learn to swing dance' and others. Things that aren't important to my acting necessarily but things that will make me happy. That's why I wanted to be an actor in the first place. I am driven by what makes me happy and know how much happier I will feel if I could do these things. This list is about the things that make me unhappy now and how to get out of this horrible rhythm I've created. I've been as honest with myself as possible and I know what potential I have to be someone who has things going on all the time. I know at some point very soon I will not need to worry about not working all the time because I'll be happy. I'm still looking for that motivation but I'm getting happier and more hopeful that I won't need to imagine this person who I want to be anymore. I know what I can do and what I'm capable of. Now I just need to get my head up and work hard to get it.

2 Year Anniversary

Around this time 2 years ago today I moved to London. I'm trying hard to think of a sentence to follow that doesn't sound too dramatic or cheesy like 'I've been through so much during that time' or 'What an adventure it's been so far' even though they're both true. It's hard to gage my expectations 2 years ago with the reality now as I genuinely had no idea what would happen 2 weeks after my move let alone 2 years. People say they respect me for my move and I appreciate that, but I kind of had no idea what I was doing. There was no plan for London when I arrived. Just to meet one friend who was an actress and take things slowly. I owe her a great deal. I met with Kate Hollowood and she set me straight, telling me all I needed to do to get an agent, that it would be hard, and that I would have to learn to be patient.

Before I moved I made a promise to myself that no matter what happens I will be thankful for everything. That is one of the most important things I have that has kept me happy and smiling through everything I've experienced. I consider it the most important thing I possess. It keeps me fighting with constant determination and resilience and gives me peace with this career. When I hear bad news from an audition or things seem like they aren't going my way I remember all the things I can already be so proud of. I am proud of what I am doing here and I have been through low times, including the last week, feeling frustrated and impatient like I should be progressing more. One of my worst thoughts is becoming almost defeated in patience and waiting quietly for my moment. I want to keep busy working in any way I can. I'm working on a voice reel which I will complete soon. I want to try stand up comedy before the year is out. I have written a short film I want to direct in November. I want to make another comedy song. If I want to stay happy I need to work hard for it and these projects of my own will keep me perfectly busy and so so passionate and excited about what I'm doing here once more. I'm going to plunge straight into sounding dramatic again and say London really has changed and shaped my character more than any other experience I've been through. The best decision I ever made was to do this despite not knowing how it would end, and it hasn't ended. I'm still here. I'm still acting. And I will leave my legacy on this place yet.