An Opportunity

On Friday I had the biggest audition I've had so far which, if I get, would be life changing. I can't say what it is right now (sorry to be a shameless tease) but I want to blog about the 18 hours I had from finding out about it, preparing for it, and auditioning. I was in Dublin doing my part time filing job looking forward to England vs Uruguay that Thursday night when, 5pm I got an email telling me I had an audition at 10:30 in London Friday morning. My initial reaction was that, being in another country with work and having to work Friday there was no way I could get back for it. I emailed back and forth with my agent and quickly realised what this opportunity could bring and I had to do anything I could to get back for it. This was an audition I would always regret missing. I booked a last minute flight to Heathrow (missing the England game, which in hindsight wasn't all that bad to miss) with 3 pages of a script to learn for the next morning. I was buzzing about the whole thing but Thursday night is not something I'd want to go through again. I was constantly nervous and panicked trying not to make a big deal of the audition I would have yet still putting the pressure on to make sure these lines were perfect. I got home around midnight and tried to sleep with my mind still racing through the last 7 hours and the hours ahead of me. I am proud that I don't usually get nervous for auditions now but this was a sleepless night constantly going through lines half awake, a nervous tube ride going through lines out loud despite the stares, and a very very nervous wait outside the audition room in a hallway. The only thing going through my head were the lines. I think it's easy to let what the opportunity could mean get stuck in the back of my mind but I am so so happy to say I did my best in that audition room and was happy with how it went. It's out of my hands now and if I don't get a call back I am happy with how I presented myself, coped with the pressure, and didn't let my head kick my ass and take over.

Now we wait. I am trying my best to forget all about it but because of what it means it will stay in my thoughts. I need to thank a lot of people for the support they gave from the status I put up about it and the messages wishing me luck. If I'm honest I didn't want to look at my phone or Facebook at all. I was fully focused on what I needed to do and wouldn't dare reply or barely read anything from anyone. Everything was on hold for those 18 hours and I'm so pleased I came back for this audition. This won't be the last opportunity I get whatever happens and it's made me suddenly see how overnight things can be. It will be one job I get that changes everything. Maybe it's this one but what's important is how I composed myself and did myself proud. Bring on more. The dream is coming slowly into reach and I want to make the people back home proud and, just as much if not more, I want to be able to tell the people who said I wouldn't do it that I have. I'm stronger than those people ever imagined. I'm here, I'm in London, I'm an actor and, no matter the outcome of this audition, I will be here for a long long time.

Pregnacare

Today the Pregnacare advert I was in came out on TV. Today is one of the proudest days of my career. It makes me really thoughtful about the things I've done, the things I'm doing and the things I need to do. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I am so pleased I've made a mark somewhere no matter how small and I'm ready for more. A hell of a lot more and I'm looking for the next big thing to get into. I've felt that this year hasn't been a struggle so far. I've let go of a lot of worry thanks to money problems being sorted for the time being. It's cleared my mind so much to think, ok, so you've bought yourself more time but what do you want to do with that time? I've completed what I thought would be my most challenging new years resolution in the first month and I'm desperate for more. It's incredible what self confidence and self belief can do. I'm a different person. I wasn't worried before I got this advert because I thought; it's me. I'm a good actor and I will thrive on massive opportunities. Every new month trumps the old in being the best of my life so far. I will fight to keep getting better.

The time not spent acting has been used writing and I am working on my own short comedy. I want to film it in September in Spain and I am promising myself I won't let anything stop that happening. I want to stay organised, stay focused and above all stay determined. Some days I wake up not wanting to do anything that day and that's ok. Everyone has those days. I just make sure the next day isn't the same. I know also I would be nothing without the creative people I have around me. I love those people not just because of their friendship but of who they've made me become and how they inspire me on a daily basis. They would be the first people I thank for the things I'm doing now. The stories I'm writing and the growing belief I have in myself. I deserve this and will fight to earn more out of this year. God bless what this life has become.

So Far So Good

So I've been meaning to write this for about 2 months and thought this would be the perfect opportunity to finally write it. I'm currently in Lanzarote having been asked to be the lead in a pilot for a tv series. We got here on Monday and finished filming on Wednesday but I decided to stay out an extra 5 days to mainly chill out but hopefully write too. We're 1/6 of the way through the year now and I've got to be honest I've had the best 2 months of my life. I can't believe I'm in Lanzarote for a start. I've never felt so rock and roll. Also I filmed my first tv advert earlier last month which comes out 1st April. In the short term I've felt that relief of money worry leave and made the most of London. I was in my friends film and we filmed a lot more of Meet Sam too. It's been a really productive start of the year and I can feel my luck slowly turning round. I thought about the Norway job I was unlucky not to get last year and how positive I'm feeling now about each opportunity as well as thinking realistically. I've been keeping my hopes at a content level with any job I go for so at the moment I'm feeling really happy. Kind of untouchable. All I need money for is to keep me doing what I love in the capital. Other than that I'm happy right where I am getting better and being given more opportunities.

I got pencilled in for a big job with my agent that I ended up not getting, but  am feeling strong in myself. I want to show my agent I am capable of getting the big jobs and am unafraid of huge casting agents. I know I've got the talent to get some big jobs and grow as an actor. It's just about showing my agent that and I feel I'm starting to prove it. 2014 so far has been my year. I've already done things that will stay with me for life and I'm not going to stop working to keep getting these brilliant experiences. I had a dream last night that it was new years eve 2014 and I was walking around Christchurch and people were stopping me in the street and saying they were proud. A big part of me does it because I want to make people back home proud of me. You could call it vanity or having the wrong outlook about it but I'm proud to know the people in Christchurch. My family, friends, am dram group and now a few London friends for life I've made including one from Bristol. I think about them a lot when I'm acting and struggling and it gives me strength. I'm proud to know them and I want to make them proud always.

I think about the person who left for London a year and a half ago. I'm still the same person of course and behave the same but I have changed. Living in London has been one big progression of character so far. I've been affected by London and the new people I've met and I'm in the best place right now. Ups and downs sure, but right now I'm happy.

It's Been A Good Year, Actually

It's important to remember the positive things going on around you. My last blog written a week ago today was so bleak and there is a real attraction for me to being a bleak depressing fart. I suppose I like the idea of looking off into the distance thinking something over the top and cheesy like 'will I ever make it as an actor?' I made a pros and cons list last week for my year thinking it would be about 50/50 and to read some of my posts in this blog I imagine an outsiders view would be to think I've had a tough old year. And it has. But it's been anything but a bad year because of that. I count 18 pros to 4 cons. Why it took me that long and a list of it in front of me to realise it hasn't been a bad year at all is ridiculous. One of my pros was that I never let a lack of money stand in the way of me not making the most of this moment right now. I live in London and that is an expensive sentence but the pros on my list had so many moments I didn't let money stand in the way of, making some brilliant memories and finding some friends for life. There are amazing people who have made this year the brilliant thing it is and I made sure I stuck with them as much as possible money be damned.

Of course I think it's important to budget on my penniless actor lifestyle but if I'm not having fun then there's no point in being there. I know full well these next years will be some of the best years of my life and I don't want that to ever be forgotten. I do feel the need to give a massive fuck you to money as I have wanted to a lot this year. But here I am. Still in London getting on with it getting by and having the best time of my life. 2013 has been hard on me but I've been hard on 2013 too. You can bet I'll be beating up 2014 as much as possible until I get to where I want to be. Bring it on. Let's face it, its been a good year.

Make It Fucking Happen

Last night I drunkenly text myself simply the words 'make it fucking happen'. Ironically the text failed. I wanted to remember it though and it was written all over my phone this morning. I was talking with some friends and explaining the last few years. Uni. Trying to get into drama school. Failing to do so and...I couldn't finish the sentence. I was trying to say that I wholeheartedly couldn't and didn't want to stay in Bournemouth any longer. I could not sit around and wait for my career to stagnate by doing the 'sensible' thing. I struggled to get my words out because I genuinely couldn't formulate into words the need and urge to make my career happen already. It's such a strong emotion being almost angry with passion that I could not stay in Bournemouth for another year. I've been annoyed at myself for a few days now. I have been auditioning a fair bit now under my agent and through myself and I haven't got anything from it yet. 2013 has been the best and worst year for me and I feel to write it off with some happiness and hope I want to get a few jobs to show some promise for 2014. Confidence is low and I could do with a win is really what it boils down to. I wouldn't even put this as a very low low at all but sometimes it's going to get to me that I haven't succeeded in these auditions yet. We can call it bad luck or just that I didn't look right for the part but that is not at all enough for me. I want to be owning auditions and knowing that if they don't pick me they've made the wrong choice because I would be capable of doing a brilliant job. With every unsuccessful audition I get more determined for the next one. It's like I hit a checkpoint of feeling low and I am reminded to get the fuck back up and go out fighting once more. It was always going to be a tough time of getting somewhere but I need to keep my head up.

2014 is one big question mark at the moment. I believe it may be the same rocky path as this year's been  but I know that the mentality of a fresh year will be enough to drive me to making sure something happens. I don't want to look back in a few years time and think I could have done so much more. I want to be somewhere sitting on financial safety knowing I worked for this. It's a tough job. But I wouldn't do anything else. I can't. It's not a question of me wanting to be an actor. I need to. It's just like last night trying to explain how my entire being wanted to get to London and live it. Yes it was a risk. Yes I am quite genuinely a penniless actor but I am so happy in my heart knowing that I did what I wanted to do and I didn't let anything stop me. It is the best decision I made and I will never regret it. I just need a little more luck and a win to keep me here. I like Bournemouth but I don't want to live there again until I'm settling down with a beautiful wife and 11 brilliant children. They could make a football team. Despite the nightmare the kit man would have with the surnames on the back of the shirts.

I am happy here but I need to work harder, keep my head up and hope for a little bit of luck. I need to 'make it fucking happen'. I don't want to have already had my last job of 2013. I cannot let that be that. 2013 is still for the taking and I will make sure that I don't let this year fade out so soon. I have 1 month left to change everything.

Right Road

It's been a few months since my last blog and there has been no excuse for that though there has also been no reason to blog. Finally I've had a breakthrough that has come a lot quicker than I expected. I have been extremely fortunate that my search for an agent has come to an end. It was on my new years resolution list and it got to me, even with 4 months left at that time, that I had not got anywhere yet. I had the upset of my Norway job and I couldn't think what my next big step was going to be. It took me longer than it should have to get myself up and going again. Fate was kind to me and I got chosen as the lead guy in a Nokia advert a few weeks after the bad news on Norway and that helped pick me up to get out fighting for more jobs again. I met some brilliant people and networked again which helped me get my drive back. I thought 'you've still got the last quarter of the year left' and I can fight and do all I can to get an agent and complete my new years resolution list. I emailed more agents and there was always one particular agency I had heard so much about. I remember being very jealous about an actor I had met under this agency talking about these Hollywood auditions he had and the opportunities that were at a level I couldn't touch. This particular agent emailed to say he was interested in meeting me. I did all I could to not get carried away and it was an odd shock to hear when meeting him that if I was happy with the contract then he would take me on. Unbelievable.

I have always been so starstruck with things that a lot of other actors have remained calm with like the Nokia advert and this agent. These huge moments in my career have been dealt with so calmly by other actors that I have met and I'm just sitting in the room buzzing with such excitement on the shoots. It will take me a long time to adapt to how brilliant life can get. I've always met things with a fresh face and excited at any opportunities. I remember being so excited about a year ago to travel to Birmingham to film an advert. I couldn't believe that I was being paid to travel up the country to film an advert and return the same day. Even Birmingham. Still though I have a long way to go to make this into a career and money will always be a bit of an issue for at least the remainder of this year. But when people ask me now how acting is going I will say brilliantly. Although it may be early days with my agent and I couldn't give up my part time jobs to commit to acting just yet I couldn't be happier that I am on the right road and progressing this quickly. It means the world to me the luck I have had and I still am a fresh faced starstruck little boy inside excited about the opportunities ahead of me. I know at the end of the year I will look back and say its been a tough one. But I have an agent, London has made me more confident, and the opportunities and jobs have made me so much more determined. I remember at the start of the year saying 2013 will be the making of Sam South. It may take a bit longer to fully finish the making of him but what a hell of a start we've had this year.

Chin Up

Today I found I out some bad news about a job I had been excited about for a month. I was down to the last 2 but wasn't chosen for a job that would have meant 8 days travelling around Norway and a very big salary. It would have been the job of a lifetime and the biggest moment of my acting life. It's been tough to take as this was the first moment I had truly believed I was the only man for the job and my self belief had never been higher. I did all I could and was happy to hear I impressed but still it wasn't enough. I have always wanted to make people proud of me and felt this was my chance to do it. I think that's one of the reasons I've taken it so hard.

I guess I've been wanting to show some recognition for the year I've had. To come home and not stumble over the question 'how's the acting going?' A couple of hours ago it didn't matter that the production team wanted me and the client didn't or that they were really impressed with my work. All these obvious positives were overshadowed by my disappointment. I'm sitting here now thinking how proud and happy I am that everything I did I did my way and was perfectly appreciated. It's a shame it was out of my hands and bad luck I wasn't chosen but I know there are so many things to be happy about. The support and faith around me was enough to know how lucky I was anyway. I will never forget what a blessed life I lead because of the people around me. For that I am so thankful to them and to anyone reading this blog choosing to read about my story. So its been a bad news day, but really what's happened today will echo positivity in the future.

My only thought now is chin up. Get back out there and change the luck yourself.