September 2016

Last month my agent told me it was natural for it to be quiet over the summer and it would get busier in September and he was right. It's been a really great month for auditions and the odd job. I had a recall for a tv advert and although no big jobs have been gained I feel I've got confidence in the auditions I've got and did my best in them. If I can have more weeks like some I've had in September it would be no time at all before I got another big job. I did feel some frustration at the end of a 2 week busy auditioning period at not getting anything but it's so important to remind myself of how much pot luck is involved in all of it. I was talking about life with one of my best mates on my rooftop overlooking the best sunset of the year so far (no apologies for how that sentence sounds) and I realised that the thing that makes me the happiest is my career. The happiest I've been in the last few years has been when I've had good auditions or got great jobs. A lot of different things drive different people like how important love life is for example which is important to me but I realised I'm more happy over a new job that a girl I'm excited about. It's all to do with where you are in your life and at the moment if my career goes well I feel everything else around it will lift with it.

Now things are calming down slightly I can return my attention towards my lighthouse film. I really want to make it. I feel like I need to make it in January otherwise it may not be made for a long time. Originally I wanted £2000 at least but I think if I stripped it back and raised a grand for it I could make it just as good with a huge amount of favours. I really believe in it. It's the kind of film I've always wanted to make and if it goes well I will have a beautifully shot endearing little comedy love story. I still think about how lucky I am to be able to make films with the friends around me as helpful as they are. I never thought I'd have any interest in making films when I first moved to London and everything's changed. I enjoy it just as much as acting. Also yesterday I ran in the Bournemouth marathon doing a 10k which is another thing I thought I'd never do. I'm really proud of myself. I'm proud of the person I've become and how I go about what I do. The people who I'm closest with know I will be the first to take the mickey out of what I'm doing sometimes but I am really proud of who I am and who I've become in the last 4 years in London. I am a completely different person. I never talk about how hard it is. That's probably why I make jokes to cover over the occasional tough month but there's no point being down about it. It is what it is and I'm thankful for the journey so far. I hope from now to the end of the year there is a surprise for me. Anything can happen.

August 2016 - Lighthouses and Summer

August has been one long boring fairly jobless month so I've decided to write a short film; my next project, called The Boy Who Wanted To Be A Lighthouse Keeper. I got a little drunk with a friend a month ago and told them that one of my 'probably not going to happen but nice thought' plans was to one day live in a lighthouse. As I walked home I had this quirky scene in my head of well-to-do parents asking their son what he's going to do with his life hoping to follow a respectable professional path and simply telling them he wants to be a lighthouse keeper. I got home and wrote for an hour in the moonlight on my rooftop and have spent this month, with the lack of jobs and auditions, working on it. I've realised I love creating and writing just as much as acting. I didn't think I'd love anything more but the writing and imagination of it gets me so inspired and excited that I get really passionate about making things.

Mighty Colour Films is looking strong and its future is exciting. We have films we've not released yet that we're looking forward to showing and will be storming social media by force. I think about what we could achieve with a budget and I wholeheartedly believe we could create some really interesting dynamic beautifully shot films with Adam at the camera helm and Sam's imagination. I have decided I would like to raise money for my lighthouse film. I think we've proven so far what we can do on no budget and want to show off how good we can be with some money behind us. This is uncharted territory as I know nothing about raising money for short films and kickstarter projects but I think in the grand scheme of things I won't be asking for a colossal amount and it's achievable. Unless anyone has a spare £3000 they'd like to make into a future award winning exciting film?

Always worth an ask.

I met with my agent a few weeks ago and he printed off a list of what he'd been putting me up for the last few weeks and one of them was Game of Thrones. I didn't get an audition but still a massive confidence boost in who my agent can get me in front of as well as what he thinks I'm capable of. I'm really happy with him. We talked about how August is always quiet because people go on summer holidays, even production company people, and that it should pick up in September. I think I've been doing all the right things but it's just not happening at the moment. I have faith September will pick up. Actually since I've been writing this I just got booked for a job in Somerset for a few days. I've started going for these little jobs knowing if I can get a few of them a month that's me sorted for a little bit and almost even more importantly it clears my head and makes me feel in control and on top of things. Quiet times are tough so I'm pleased I've had my lighthouse film to keep me occupied and happy. It's been so important for me to keep creative and positive through this tough month and I'm ready for more auditions and jobs now. If I could get maybe a big advert before the year is out that would keep me going but it's still the small roles in tv and film that will build my career. I am happy to be patient and wait for my chance. I've got my own projects to make and to master and champion social media through Mighty Colour Films. Whatever happens this is something I'm in control of and can make some big noise myself. And if I can raise the right money I will.

Slow

Hell fire it's slow. Oh it's so slow. Since I've been back from Colombia which is ridiculously 2 and a half months ago, feeling like 6, work has been limited. It's not just me. I've spoken to a few other actors and it's not just me. Since I've been with my new agent I've had one commercial audition under him and have been in contact asking if there's anything more I can do. It's just luck of the draw and I'm going into summer on a bit of low because auditions, let alone work, just aren't happening and going my way at the moment. Maybe this is one of the reasons why people trying to be actors change careers. It's this frustration that you can't do anything to get rid of apart from get work. Easier said than done. I'm on my way back to Christchurch for my sisters birthday. Train journeys are the best to think and sort your life out a bit. Hopefully within the next week I will have my second short film to show you and by the end of July will have shot another I've written. I need to keep myself busy with my own projects even if it's just to get used to being in front of camera again.

2 weeks ago I had an audition for a TV commercial which I really wanted. Small money but the director had worked with amazing actors and the casting director was brilliant. We did the audition and I haven't been that disappointed in myself in a long time. Every now and then an audition will come along where they ask you to do something that you just can't seem to do naturally. The scene was me at the top of a zip wire with my daughter who was about to go down it and she was scared. My direction was to reassure her and occasionally make jokes about how high it was. I did that and was fairly happy then I was asked to do it without words then after that to do it in the space of about 5 seconds. With a bit of concentration I could have but I just couldn't get the hang of it. Sometimes that happens and it knocked me back a bit and I was really frustrated. You have to remind yourself that sometimes that just happens but I'll always need a bit of time to just be sad about it before I bounce back. I'm lacking confidence that I can regain with workshops which I've never considered before and think would really help.

This is a low point so I'm going to get my head down, work on my own projects, and do all I can to get more opportunities. Actings hard. It's getting harder. Right now is about keeping my head up whilst I'm down and having faith. I'll always have faith in what I'm doing. I enjoy it far too much. I said before its the highest highs and the lowest lows doing this. It'll all be worth it when I'm laughing on the Game of Thrones set sipping champagne talking about my latest role in Blackadder the remake playing Blackadder. Or something like that. Chin up.

Fuck It Do What You Love

It's been one month exactly since I got back from Colombia which was amazing but honestly I was glad to get home. The last week or so I'd made so many lists of things to do when I got back in England I got more and more eager to get back and crack on with acting. I wanted to find a new agent, release Bump, and pick up where I left off with voice overs and acting jobs.

Bump. Making Bump is probably my proudest moment so far. I was so excited to be able to show people and the feedback has been really great. I want to make 2 more short films this year and will be releasing another I wrote and directed last year soon. I've been pretty lazy on the side of finding and entering film festivals but I think that's because I've done all I need to do with the film to make me happy. I made it. I'm proud of it. I showed people. I'm happy. Writing has become a bigger love the more I do it and, like acting, it doesn't look like I'll ever stop doing it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFInsR3UQeA&nohtml5=False

Finding a new agent. My friend Carys had a meeting with Amy Hubbard of Hubbard casting which is one of the biggest casting agencies in the world and she gave my friend a list of 10 agents. I saw this list and emailed them Monday morning 8am asking for representation along with my showreel. Unfortunately there was no response so after ideas from my friend Dom I emailed the following Monday morning with simply "I emailed a week ago and wanted to show you this" and a link to Bump. No response. My plan became finding a new thing each week to send them until I got a reply. The week later I emailed them showing off my guitar capabilities with my silly comedy song "My First" linked below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAIkx8ZWHFg

I received an email back from Pelham Associates run by an ex actor called Peter Cleall who wanted to meet me. I still think it's ridiculous that my exceptionally silly song about losing your virginity got me a meeting with a great agent but that's why I sent it. I did all I could to stand out and I wanted to show that I wasn't a one trick pony but also wrote films and songs. We met and for my 3 and a half years of acting and having an agent previously I could be clear with what I wanted and they were lovely about my abilities and it was promising. They said they'd let me know in a few days and that was on Monday. I honestly felt all week that it was probably going to be bad news. It was a good meeting but the waiting was horrible. I called my parents last night with no news and said to them I think it's probably a no because I haven't heard from them yet. This morning I get this from them:

Hi Sam

Dione and I enjoyed meeting you on Monday and would like to offer you representation as an actor.  Please give me a call on the above number if you wish to go ahead.

Best
Peter Cleall

I had already started to think about what I should send to new agents on Monday before this email. This is the biggest moment in my career so far. I've got an agent who has amazing contacts and who can progress my career further in film, tv and theatre. I am so thankful to be in this position but there's work to do now. It's about how much I can work for myself and put the effort in for my agent just as much as doing well in the auditions Peter gets for me. I made myself an ambitious resolution for this year to try and get a line or two in a tv series or film at least but in the back of my head I knew it could take another year to find an agent to give me that opportunity.

I want to finish this blog by saying I want this to be proof to not let anything stop what you love doing. I know my family are always wanting the best for me because anything can happen and they worry that things might not go my way. I know so many people through Uni and elsewhere whose advice to young actors would be to 'do anything else.' There have been countless times I felt down about my career not just in London but also through university and in Bournemouth worrying that I'm not progressing fast enough. The main thing is I've got this agent not from going to drama school which everyone told me I'd need to go to to have any serious success in acting (In your face drama school) but through knowing what I want, being realistic, being lucky and being driven. Never do what you're content to settle with if you're not happy. Do what makes you happy. There's a book called 'Fuck it Do What You Love' and that's right. Make it happen. Do what you love! I'm so pleased I never gave up when I didn't get into drama school, had shit days, felt like a terrible actor. That's part of it. And for this moment it was all worth it.

My Year

Maybe it's a week too soon for this but I'm reflecting on this year. I'm on a train home from London after doing my last job before Christmas and I'm pleased it's all over for a bit. I think on paper this year looks pretty successful. I wrote and directed 2 films and got a TV advert. It's not been my toughest year but it's been less patient. I've felt more frustrated than usual about not moving forward as fast as I'd like. Acting will always be everything but I have felt the strain, particularly from September to November where nothing seemed to happen and it did get me down. I was probably at my lowest the day before I got pencilled for the TV advert so the timing was perfect. I think a lot about how actors, or at least with me for sure, need a bit of validity every now and then just to know you're doing the right thing and doing it the way people want you too and even just a confirmation that you're a good actor. I definitely feel like that from time to time and I think the quiet autumn confirmed that. I also think it's the science of making other people happy makes you happy and I will always try to do that. It's the best feeling in the world playing a role and taking on direction and doing it the way people want you to do it. I also wanted people to know my belief since I moved to London has never wavered. Even in my quiet autumn there wasn't a single moment I thought I should start to plan for a life without acting.

This year ended up being a rewarding one with maybe some of the lowest days of London so far but definitely the best days of my life too. I remember thinking at one point you change the most between 16 and 20 but I think this time last year I was a different person to who I am let alone since I moved to London. One of the biggest things I've learned since moving has been stamina and the patience I need to do this and this year has definitely been a stamina year. I have no doubt I'll be a completely different person again this time next year. Roll on 2016 and have a bloody brilliant Christmas. X

November 2015

As I sit in a Premier Inn restaurant in Cambridge sipping on a Baileys eating an outstanding New Yorker pizza I'm in a reflective mood. This time a month ago I was working at my filing job to earn pennies for a trip to Colombia I was worried I wouldn't realistically be able to afford. Now I've had the biggest job of my life so far in the Canary Islands and came home straight into being Santa Claus for the East of England in, most of the time, the middle of nowhere. I am happy. I've had some bad days and maybe one of the worst moods I've been in to immediately be followed by the best days of my life. I've said it before, I'll say it again and I'll probably say it a few more times after but I am so grateful for this month. Someone up there likes me. Sometimes the world has a way of falling on its feet when you need it more than ever.

The other day I decided I'm going to be famous. I was looking out the window on my lunch break, half in a Santa suit in a very very small place called Framlingham, and thought "yeah, I'm going to be famous". It's been amazing and I'm still pinching myself but I'm determined to not rest of my laurels and think this'll do for now. I'm becoming more aware of the momentum I need to start building with this and I'm working on 7 weeks out of the country not breaking that. For the side of me that feels he needs to prove himself to people back home and his friends everywhere I can be happy with this achievement. I always know I can take on anything. Even on the low days I know I can nail a part and I'd be a great choice but I needed to let other people know that. I was never going to be Sam who goes off and follows his dreams but he'll grow out of this phase one day and throw in the towel. This job has proved I'm a somebody who will continue to make noise until everyone is listening. November, you've been unpredictably awesome. December, more of the same. Let's see how much noise I can make.

Lost

It's been a couple of months since my last acting role with a character I could really get into and that was something I'd written and organised myself. In the last few months I've had one audition and a lot of things have gone quiet. I'm keeping my head up but it doesn't really matter too much at the moment. It's winter so there's not as many jobs to audition for and I'm in limbo, saving money for my 7 week adventure around Colombia, then when I get back I will look for a new agent. For now I need to wait and be patient. I'm doing my side jobs and getting money which is all good but I can't help but feel a bit lost. I think about why I moved to London and have had nothing to show for my career from the last few months. The short films I made are labouring onwards and I hope to get them done and released by the end of the year but I'm impatient to want to show more for myself. This year has been a bit of a non year. I couldn't be prouder of myself for writing and making two films but I wish they were one of many other highlights. I want to have things I've auditioned and fought for to show too. A Nurofen advert isn't good enough for a years work to look back on. Not even a TV or film audition and I know I'm worth more.

I've got work lined up until December currently and it's great money but it's not acting. I will get through it all fine but this year I wish had gone better. I need a new agent. I need a step up and know I can prove to people I'm not just some low level advert actor. I'm not Sam who went to London to try really hard and we're all very proud of him for his efforts. I'm Sam who went to London because he was never going to do anything else and is racing up the ladder and making a name for himself. It's a patient time but I can't fight the stagnating feeling of just waiting and working on other things and hope that maybe I'll get a shot. Colombia couldn't come sooner enough. For the second time since I moved to London I want to go somewhere and just not think about acting for a bit. I'm a bit tired of it all. The waiting with no results. Nothing to show of my determination to stay here and make a career. My career hasn't started yet. Next year is no excuse year but until March 6th when I get back from South America I don't want to deal with my career for now. I think I'm just a bit fed up. I'm not acting so therefore not as happy as I could be. I feel a bit lost so I want to lose myself in Colombia and not even really think about England. Just go out and think in the moment and let loose a bit so when I come back I'm refreshed and ready to get stuck in again. And I will be a different person when I get back.