Just the two years and one month in between this blog and my last then. Good.
First, some home truths of why I haven't written anything for such a long time. I have been falling slowly out of love with acting. I lost the drive to write and make films and despite being available and still keen I had less and less opportunities as time went on. Last year six months passed without a single audition. I forgot what it was like to act and have that excitement of being on set. I remain adamant that I never gave up acting and still haven't. But for 2019 acting gave up on me. I understood more about why friends had previously thrown in the towel with acting and done something more secure. I crave it too. Every day. You start to work out where your happiness lies on the scale. Is it leaning more to the side of security and money or sticking with the penniless dream chase? I can honestly say last year I didn't want to act anymore. I wasn't happy. I even almost climbed out of the rabbit hole completely and went for a full time job at the end of the year. There are only a small amount of people who can know how truly hard it is to chase the dream, repeatedly hitting brick walls and stay positive. Eventually it'll be one brick wall too many and you begin to think this is the universe's way of saying...have you tried something else?
I didn't get the full time job I went for and over Christmas and New Year it was good to have some time out to not think about work. I was watching (not a plug but...) the new A Christmas Carol on BBC and suddenly something sparked. I felt it again. This strong need to be up for these roles and the respect for the acting on display. This feeling of being left out of these shows and knowing I could take them on and do a good job. I left my agent a month ago after the quiet year and they agreed it was a shame it hadn't worked out and understood my reasons for leaving. I'm not in London to go for commercial after commercial but so much more. I know where my heart lies and the older I've got the more I know what I want. And I don't want to give up. Not yet.
The way 2020 has started, acting has started to pay attention again. I've got a new agent who I'm really excited about and feel rejuvenated with voice over work and acting. I don't know where it's come from but I've got the fight back again. I know how important it is for me to remind myself of how good I am and can be with the right opportunities. I know if I can get in the audition room I can impress. I just need to keep going. I know I will have times this year which will be tough but every year has had tough moments. 2019 was the hardest. I will make sure 2020 will be easier.
And...I'll try to blog more.
Lots of love. Sam x