2014

I don't like 2014. I had a good opening 2 months but that's all I can say about it. There are too many resolutions I've passed onto 2015's shoulders. 2014 was not a bad year but certainly a quiet one. I have spent the last few weeks doing panto performing to occasionally only a few audience members and thinking about the opportunities I had that would have stopped all this. My feature film audition being the focal point of my thoughts. I want to make it clear though that I'm happy doing panto. It's been really rewarding and great fun with some awesome people. But I have to be honest, as I brutally am in these blogs, I felt a bit of a loser over Christmas. I had nothing brilliant to say about my recent jobs. Only that I was in panto which, to most people, is a pretty lame thing to be part of.

This is a negative blog about the year but I say it with a happiness that the pantomine will finish in February. That I've written and plan to shoot and direct my first short film at the end of February. That I'm going to try stand up in Wolverhampton in March. This pantomime if anything has made me more determined to sort my career out once it's over. My family laugh at me quite a lot. I don't think they understand when I talk about my creative side, my silly songs, my film ideas, my sketches. I want to show them what I'm trying to get across by doing it. I want them to be proud of me, for my friends to be proud of me. Right now I don't feel I have that with my pantomime and need to finish it to move onto serious things. This time next year I want to be proud I made a film, that I tried stand up and that my career is going somewhere really exciting. And it will. 2014 was a stepping stone to something bigger. 2015 will be different.

Main Aim: Do More

It's been probably the slowest couple of months of my career. It's taken me too long to realise that there is always something to be getting on with. Once I've applied for all the jobs I can it doesn't mean I can relax and wait for the opportunities to come flooding. The other day my friend and I made a proactive list of things to do. We both agreed we felt lost. I don't mean in what I want to be doing. I am an actor. I always will be. It's just been hard when no jobs have come my way and to find a reason to get up and start working hard and finding the motivation. There is a idea of myself of who I want to be. I'm now driving myself to become this proactive hard working person that I know I'm not right now.

So this list. I won't say what's on it as its quite a personal one but if I achieve what's on this list I will be a different worker to what I am now. I've realised how much better I am at working when I'm happy. Months of not having much luck has resulted in a decline in motivation and I've got my panto in 2 weeks which has made me feel like I can't start anything until that is over. I don't want to be someone who focuses on one thing at a time. I don't like the idea of not thinking about anything else whilst I'm doing panto so part of this list is to drive me to keep working on other projects over Christmas. I've set aims and deadlines to drive me to work on my own comedy songs, stand up, and sketches. I make a lot of lists. Usually on these lists are recurring themes of 'try stand up' and 'learn to swing dance' and others. Things that aren't important to my acting necessarily but things that will make me happy. That's why I wanted to be an actor in the first place. I am driven by what makes me happy and know how much happier I will feel if I could do these things. This list is about the things that make me unhappy now and how to get out of this horrible rhythm I've created. I've been as honest with myself as possible and I know what potential I have to be someone who has things going on all the time. I know at some point very soon I will not need to worry about not working all the time because I'll be happy. I'm still looking for that motivation but I'm getting happier and more hopeful that I won't need to imagine this person who I want to be anymore. I know what I can do and what I'm capable of. Now I just need to get my head up and work hard to get it.

2 Year Anniversary

Around this time 2 years ago today I moved to London. I'm trying hard to think of a sentence to follow that doesn't sound too dramatic or cheesy like 'I've been through so much during that time' or 'What an adventure it's been so far' even though they're both true. It's hard to gage my expectations 2 years ago with the reality now as I genuinely had no idea what would happen 2 weeks after my move let alone 2 years. People say they respect me for my move and I appreciate that, but I kind of had no idea what I was doing. There was no plan for London when I arrived. Just to meet one friend who was an actress and take things slowly. I owe her a great deal. I met with Kate Hollowood and she set me straight, telling me all I needed to do to get an agent, that it would be hard, and that I would have to learn to be patient.

Before I moved I made a promise to myself that no matter what happens I will be thankful for everything. That is one of the most important things I have that has kept me happy and smiling through everything I've experienced. I consider it the most important thing I possess. It keeps me fighting with constant determination and resilience and gives me peace with this career. When I hear bad news from an audition or things seem like they aren't going my way I remember all the things I can already be so proud of. I am proud of what I am doing here and I have been through low times, including the last week, feeling frustrated and impatient like I should be progressing more. One of my worst thoughts is becoming almost defeated in patience and waiting quietly for my moment. I want to keep busy working in any way I can. I'm working on a voice reel which I will complete soon. I want to try stand up comedy before the year is out. I have written a short film I want to direct in November. I want to make another comedy song. If I want to stay happy I need to work hard for it and these projects of my own will keep me perfectly busy and so so passionate and excited about what I'm doing here once more. I'm going to plunge straight into sounding dramatic again and say London really has changed and shaped my character more than any other experience I've been through. The best decision I ever made was to do this despite not knowing how it would end, and it hasn't ended. I'm still here. I'm still acting. And I will leave my legacy on this place yet.

An Opportunity

On Friday I had the biggest audition I've had so far which, if I get, would be life changing. I can't say what it is right now (sorry to be a shameless tease) but I want to blog about the 18 hours I had from finding out about it, preparing for it, and auditioning. I was in Dublin doing my part time filing job looking forward to England vs Uruguay that Thursday night when, 5pm I got an email telling me I had an audition at 10:30 in London Friday morning. My initial reaction was that, being in another country with work and having to work Friday there was no way I could get back for it. I emailed back and forth with my agent and quickly realised what this opportunity could bring and I had to do anything I could to get back for it. This was an audition I would always regret missing. I booked a last minute flight to Heathrow (missing the England game, which in hindsight wasn't all that bad to miss) with 3 pages of a script to learn for the next morning. I was buzzing about the whole thing but Thursday night is not something I'd want to go through again. I was constantly nervous and panicked trying not to make a big deal of the audition I would have yet still putting the pressure on to make sure these lines were perfect. I got home around midnight and tried to sleep with my mind still racing through the last 7 hours and the hours ahead of me. I am proud that I don't usually get nervous for auditions now but this was a sleepless night constantly going through lines half awake, a nervous tube ride going through lines out loud despite the stares, and a very very nervous wait outside the audition room in a hallway. The only thing going through my head were the lines. I think it's easy to let what the opportunity could mean get stuck in the back of my mind but I am so so happy to say I did my best in that audition room and was happy with how it went. It's out of my hands now and if I don't get a call back I am happy with how I presented myself, coped with the pressure, and didn't let my head kick my ass and take over.

Now we wait. I am trying my best to forget all about it but because of what it means it will stay in my thoughts. I need to thank a lot of people for the support they gave from the status I put up about it and the messages wishing me luck. If I'm honest I didn't want to look at my phone or Facebook at all. I was fully focused on what I needed to do and wouldn't dare reply or barely read anything from anyone. Everything was on hold for those 18 hours and I'm so pleased I came back for this audition. This won't be the last opportunity I get whatever happens and it's made me suddenly see how overnight things can be. It will be one job I get that changes everything. Maybe it's this one but what's important is how I composed myself and did myself proud. Bring on more. The dream is coming slowly into reach and I want to make the people back home proud and, just as much if not more, I want to be able to tell the people who said I wouldn't do it that I have. I'm stronger than those people ever imagined. I'm here, I'm in London, I'm an actor and, no matter the outcome of this audition, I will be here for a long long time.

Pregnacare

Today the Pregnacare advert I was in came out on TV. Today is one of the proudest days of my career. It makes me really thoughtful about the things I've done, the things I'm doing and the things I need to do. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I am so pleased I've made a mark somewhere no matter how small and I'm ready for more. A hell of a lot more and I'm looking for the next big thing to get into. I've felt that this year hasn't been a struggle so far. I've let go of a lot of worry thanks to money problems being sorted for the time being. It's cleared my mind so much to think, ok, so you've bought yourself more time but what do you want to do with that time? I've completed what I thought would be my most challenging new years resolution in the first month and I'm desperate for more. It's incredible what self confidence and self belief can do. I'm a different person. I wasn't worried before I got this advert because I thought; it's me. I'm a good actor and I will thrive on massive opportunities. Every new month trumps the old in being the best of my life so far. I will fight to keep getting better.

The time not spent acting has been used writing and I am working on my own short comedy. I want to film it in September in Spain and I am promising myself I won't let anything stop that happening. I want to stay organised, stay focused and above all stay determined. Some days I wake up not wanting to do anything that day and that's ok. Everyone has those days. I just make sure the next day isn't the same. I know also I would be nothing without the creative people I have around me. I love those people not just because of their friendship but of who they've made me become and how they inspire me on a daily basis. They would be the first people I thank for the things I'm doing now. The stories I'm writing and the growing belief I have in myself. I deserve this and will fight to earn more out of this year. God bless what this life has become.

So Far So Good

So I've been meaning to write this for about 2 months and thought this would be the perfect opportunity to finally write it. I'm currently in Lanzarote having been asked to be the lead in a pilot for a tv series. We got here on Monday and finished filming on Wednesday but I decided to stay out an extra 5 days to mainly chill out but hopefully write too. We're 1/6 of the way through the year now and I've got to be honest I've had the best 2 months of my life. I can't believe I'm in Lanzarote for a start. I've never felt so rock and roll. Also I filmed my first tv advert earlier last month which comes out 1st April. In the short term I've felt that relief of money worry leave and made the most of London. I was in my friends film and we filmed a lot more of Meet Sam too. It's been a really productive start of the year and I can feel my luck slowly turning round. I thought about the Norway job I was unlucky not to get last year and how positive I'm feeling now about each opportunity as well as thinking realistically. I've been keeping my hopes at a content level with any job I go for so at the moment I'm feeling really happy. Kind of untouchable. All I need money for is to keep me doing what I love in the capital. Other than that I'm happy right where I am getting better and being given more opportunities.

I got pencilled in for a big job with my agent that I ended up not getting, but  am feeling strong in myself. I want to show my agent I am capable of getting the big jobs and am unafraid of huge casting agents. I know I've got the talent to get some big jobs and grow as an actor. It's just about showing my agent that and I feel I'm starting to prove it. 2014 so far has been my year. I've already done things that will stay with me for life and I'm not going to stop working to keep getting these brilliant experiences. I had a dream last night that it was new years eve 2014 and I was walking around Christchurch and people were stopping me in the street and saying they were proud. A big part of me does it because I want to make people back home proud of me. You could call it vanity or having the wrong outlook about it but I'm proud to know the people in Christchurch. My family, friends, am dram group and now a few London friends for life I've made including one from Bristol. I think about them a lot when I'm acting and struggling and it gives me strength. I'm proud to know them and I want to make them proud always.

I think about the person who left for London a year and a half ago. I'm still the same person of course and behave the same but I have changed. Living in London has been one big progression of character so far. I've been affected by London and the new people I've met and I'm in the best place right now. Ups and downs sure, but right now I'm happy.

It's Been A Good Year, Actually

It's important to remember the positive things going on around you. My last blog written a week ago today was so bleak and there is a real attraction for me to being a bleak depressing fart. I suppose I like the idea of looking off into the distance thinking something over the top and cheesy like 'will I ever make it as an actor?' I made a pros and cons list last week for my year thinking it would be about 50/50 and to read some of my posts in this blog I imagine an outsiders view would be to think I've had a tough old year. And it has. But it's been anything but a bad year because of that. I count 18 pros to 4 cons. Why it took me that long and a list of it in front of me to realise it hasn't been a bad year at all is ridiculous. One of my pros was that I never let a lack of money stand in the way of me not making the most of this moment right now. I live in London and that is an expensive sentence but the pros on my list had so many moments I didn't let money stand in the way of, making some brilliant memories and finding some friends for life. There are amazing people who have made this year the brilliant thing it is and I made sure I stuck with them as much as possible money be damned.

Of course I think it's important to budget on my penniless actor lifestyle but if I'm not having fun then there's no point in being there. I know full well these next years will be some of the best years of my life and I don't want that to ever be forgotten. I do feel the need to give a massive fuck you to money as I have wanted to a lot this year. But here I am. Still in London getting on with it getting by and having the best time of my life. 2013 has been hard on me but I've been hard on 2013 too. You can bet I'll be beating up 2014 as much as possible until I get to where I want to be. Bring it on. Let's face it, its been a good year.