Chin Up

Today I found I out some bad news about a job I had been excited about for a month. I was down to the last 2 but wasn't chosen for a job that would have meant 8 days travelling around Norway and a very big salary. It would have been the job of a lifetime and the biggest moment of my acting life. It's been tough to take as this was the first moment I had truly believed I was the only man for the job and my self belief had never been higher. I did all I could and was happy to hear I impressed but still it wasn't enough. I have always wanted to make people proud of me and felt this was my chance to do it. I think that's one of the reasons I've taken it so hard.

I guess I've been wanting to show some recognition for the year I've had. To come home and not stumble over the question 'how's the acting going?' A couple of hours ago it didn't matter that the production team wanted me and the client didn't or that they were really impressed with my work. All these obvious positives were overshadowed by my disappointment. I'm sitting here now thinking how proud and happy I am that everything I did I did my way and was perfectly appreciated. It's a shame it was out of my hands and bad luck I wasn't chosen but I know there are so many things to be happy about. The support and faith around me was enough to know how lucky I was anyway. I will never forget what a blessed life I lead because of the people around me. For that I am so thankful to them and to anyone reading this blog choosing to read about my story. So its been a bad news day, but really what's happened today will echo positivity in the future.

My only thought now is chin up. Get back out there and change the luck yourself.

Suspension

I have just started my 2 weeks of suspense. There is a job that has been offered to me in which I will be auditioning for in about a week and a half's time. It is the biggest opportunity that I've had so far and well paid. It is between myself and 2 other candidates. I feel I have a brilliant chance at this but I must wait and in 2 weeks time, I'd imagine, I will know for sure. It's a hosting job also. I realise it's very easy to argue I would be well out of my comfort zone not having presented before but I honestly believe experience doesn't have a lot to do with it. I am confident with people and comfortable in front of the camera so bring it the hell on. This job will open doors and show Sam South for who he can be and the control he can conduct. This is a deep end I have no problem being thrown into and I can't wait to get started. If I get the role.

There is no way to express how important this job is in the scale of things. I've got so much time to wait to make sure I don't get carried away, or start day dreaming about money troubles being wiped out for the year. I am in a constant state of suspense and at times genuinely paralysed with the thought of what if this happened. Or didn't. I don't like waiting. I am not nervous about the audition but just need it to come round as soon as possible so one way or the other I know. All I can do is look for jobs and plan my life around not getting this job just in case. I wish I knew now so it was over but for now I will have to be patient and quietly wait with suspended hope and holding breath.

My next blog will reveal the answer. I just hope with all my heart its a positive one otherwise people may stop reading my morose dreary writing for good! Fingers crossed.

A Different Direction

Things are changing. The biggest job for me now is to not about making the decision I need to make but to be ok with it. I think its time to slow things down and focus on what needs to be done to stay in London. I have decided to commit myself to jobs away from acting for a while to make sure I have enough money to live and survive in London. Without trying to sound pretentious I can feel my interests evolving out of acting. I have thought for some time now, and may have mentioned it in previous blogs, about creating and directing my own short film. With the birth of a creation my friend Adam and I have made well on its way to being completed ready for film festivals I am writing a script for a trilogy of short films I would love to make this year. Before February this year I never took my mutterings of film ideas seriously. I am so pleased I'm doing something I never thought I would. It really is about who you surround yourself with and how that inspires you to do things differently. There are people in my life who, whenever I'm around them, I get things done with. Whenever I am with them something changes and I become so much more creative and inspired to see that it really isn't hard to complete what for so long was just a whisper of a thought. The surprise of this all is how much my film idea has inspired me and how excited I get about it. It will be a directorial debut and if it works on screen as it does in my head it will be one to remember.

What I am doing will take time. I am making sure I do things the way that I want to do them and will not say yes to anything but the perfect finished performance. It's a new kind of excitement. I have had pieces of my work judged and marked before but this is something I want to hit right on the nail. I will finish my showreel this week and be emailing agents once more and hope for the best. As the case has been these past months I just need more time and time is what I can give myself. I took a long time to come to terms with the idea that I may need to get a full time job and not think about acting for a moment. I was and am maybe still scared that, once I commit to a full time job, it will take me a long time to climb out and get stuck into acting again. It's hard. I know I'm hard on myself but I'm an impatient perfectionist and that mix with this career was always going to produce some bad days. I want to keep my head above worry with the creations that I have made and been a part of so far. If working for a long time is what's needed to give me the best chance to become an actor then I have to bite the bullet and get it done. I look to the end of the year already and feel happy I know I will have achieved all that I wanted to do at the start of the year. It's time to be patient and accept that I can't waltz along hoping a nicely paid acting job will fall on my lap any time soon. I need to get real, get patient, and get writing more.

Bad Day

This blog may be more heartfelt than I'd like but I think its important to show it as it will probably give a good sense of the lows of being an actor. I recently auditioned for a big advert in which the audition and recall went brilliantly though due to various things I believe I have not got it. I feel I have never been so close to achieving something brilliant for it to not happen. This would have been the biggest moment of my acting career so far and the last few hours have been low ones. Its hard to take something when you feel not only you did the best you could but you would have given yourself a strong chance of getting the role. Hope is hard to handle. I feel like I need to juggle it with reality and scepticism and try and keep myself from getting carried away. I honestly thought this would be the moment of 2013 and I would get something I never would have dreamed of getting only 7 months in. I got a bit carried away. I hate that its out of my hands and that despite doing everything to the best of my ability it still wasn't enough.

I remember when I first moved here and there were a few auditions I had where I didn't get the part and I never let it bug me. I always picked myself up and looked for the next project. To stand up and get past what has happened this week does take strength but I need the time to move on. Sometimes I just need to be down for a while before I can pick myself up again. I need to ride through the blues to come out fighting again. It's tough. It was probably going to be tough from the start but I could have really done with a win. I am overdue one. I have a lot to be positive about and I'm not just thinking about the past 7 months but the various projects I'm working on at the moment as well. I will never take for granted the brilliant things I have been lucky enough to be involved in. 2013 is proving difficult on the paid front though and I am starting to feel the pressure. I need to get back on a lucky streak again. I just need a win.

Pushing Through

Due to work continuing to not come at the moment I'm making my own opportunities. I realise how lucky I was to get the jobs I got in the last few months of last year. This year has been very different but just as enjoyable. I've been slowly formulating a short film idea that I'd love to make and direct myself over summer. At the same time myself and my friend Adam have been filming a mockumentary (coincidentally about an actor who moves to London) which we have high hopes for. It's a brilliant feeling to have knowing all these ideas I had for sketches or films can be achieved now and without a massive amount of money. I used to think it wouldn't be until I have power over my own show on TV but now all it takes is one conversation with Adam and its already in the making. I've been in a creative mind set the last 2 weeks and its great that due to work not coming in I've made my own work to keep myself busy. Honestly I never thought I would seriously consider making a film let alone direct something but inspiration has hit me and I am in a position to have full power over what I can do with it.

I am getting closer to getting an agent. There is an agent who I'm told will contact me for a meeting at some point. My 2 main aims for this year are to make my film and get an agent (with the underlying main aim of staying in London) and at the moment I'm in a position to potentially achieve both soon. It gets boring having the same answers to questions about whether I have an agent yet and recent work. It has been a tough year for money and jobs and I don't want to sit back and say 'I'm sure things will pick up soon'. I'm never satisfied with how much I'm doing towards it and won't be until I'm getting involved with a lot more than I am now. It's been tough and I hope I can meet with an agent and make a film and make sure my aims for this year are completed. I want to look back after these projects are done and say I can be proud of how I didn't give up through these lulls because at the end of it all its just a bad day to get through for a better day the next.

Post Show Pride

This time a week ago I was in the Hen and Chickens Theatre in Islington doing a tech run for the show myself and the cast of Gameplan were preparing for. I couldn't have been more proud of what was ahead of us. Just the idea of 6 months on I would be performing in the same venue professional stand up comics use to practise their material in was wholehearted pleasure and that really resonated through me as it got closer to opening night last Tuesday. Throughout the week of performances I grew with pride at what we had achieved. The whole cast were superb at their roles and we really made an impact on the audience each night.

There was the hope that I would get some agents along and grow interest. Unfortunately it wasn't the case for me, though many agents and casting directors were in the audience and I got to perform in front of the head of comedy at Channel 4 who I heard was in the audience one night. Despite not being able to progress in a way I had hoped with interest and getting closer to an agent it was always going to be an absolute pleasure just being able to perform for London. I always thought from the start even if no money was made and agents didn't come it was always going to be worth it just for the experience and being on stage again. And also now that its over I can continue focusing on building my showreel and knocking at the door again growing as an actor.

So far this year has showed me that the next few years here may very well be the best years of my life. I have a part time job now so I can hopefully stay in London for as long as I want and I am determined to look back at the end of this year and say I did everything I set out to do this year. Life will always be great if you are where you want to be following what you want to do so money be damned, sleep be damned, and impossibility be damned. I will make the most of this place and already am so bring on the agents. I'm ready to be thrown in at the deep end. The support shown from my family and friends who came up to see it is all I need to reload my determination and bury myself in the never ending opportunity of acting in London.

Goodbye Young Sam

I should probably explain myself. There has been little or, more to the point, no work so far to talk about since my last blog. I have had some brilliant times this year and I would say January has been my favourite month so far in London despite no income. I have begun looking for a part time job as money is as ever a big thought. I want to stay in London and I noticed how much more relaxed I am knowing that a part time job will keep me here for a long time no matter how acting goes. A major thought for me that has come to surface in the last week is that I have no intention of returning to Bournemouth any time soon. London has truly got into my blood and I find if I'm not here looking for work I am not entirely happy. When I visited home last week my sister asked me if I've placed a time limit on being in London and trying for an acting career. I didn't really know how to answer it as the thought of giving up one day has never crossed my mind. As soon as I got here it was about keeping myself going to stay here in London for as long as I can. If I am being honest with myself I will never give up and its not because I'm determined or I want to be an actor. It's because I am and will be a successful actor. My heart grows hungry for more each day I'm here. For more auditions, contacts, jobs, prospects, and success because this is the only thing that makes me happy and I belong in London.

I am currently on the way home from my first feature film audition. Today was the biggest day of my career so far. I did all I could and I did my best and that's all I could ask for. I hope I can continue to get these auditions because I feel myself growing in London. I am getting bigger and better opportunities the longer I'm here and its only a matter of time before the success begins to flourish. A year ago it was crazy to move to London with nothing. A year on and it would be crazy to move away with everything happening here. I hope I blog again soon and have so much more to talk about. God bless this capital.