My Last Post

 I am happy and I am sad. It's been 8 years this month since I first moved to London and after a lot of thinking and talking, I am moving back to Bournemouth. This will be my last post on this blog.

I am sad. I came to London to pursue a dream and become an actor. I want to say that this isn't the end of my acting career but a break is needed and there is an element of finality moving away from London, my home, after 8 years. The last couple of years have just not got off the ground and I have had to rely on event work to keep me afloat. A chance that every actor needs to progress in their career hasn't come for me and I am tired. There was a breaking point that I hadn't realised I'd reached this year and my interest with it all has dropped almost entirely. Coronavirus has definitely played a major role in this decision. I haven't worked for 7 months and there is no guarantee any work will come in the next year so, after visiting home for 2 weeks in August, I realised that this would be the most sensible option. I've not been one for taking the sensible option before but after a fortnight back home I realised how, more so than ever, I still love where I'm from. The places, the beaches, the atmosphere, the quiet and of course first and foremost my family and friends. All of it. And I crave it. I still like London. But I don't love it anymore. It makes me think of the famous quote by Samuel Johnson: "When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life." To that I say Samuel had clearly never been to Bournemouth. I will always treasure the memories I've had here. The friends for life I've made. The flatmates I've treasured coming home to. But I feel like it's time, not just because of Covid, to come home and change things up. As I've gotten older the dream of acting has been slowly moving aside for more grown up dreams. Owning my own house one day. Having a secure job. Settling down somewhere. Moving back to the seaside. I have wanted these things more and more over time and I am excited to pursue those new dreams now.

I am happy. As sad as I am about leaving London, I am so happy and excited to move back to Bournemouth. I had pretty much made up my mind about moving back a month ago when I was home but I wanted to wait and go back to London first. I wanted to make sure I knew what I was giving up. As soon as I was back I knew I had left my head and heart by the sea. Yes, it's home. The place I grew up where almost all of my family are and so many friends, but it really is a beautiful part of the world. A place I'm proud to be from and somewhere I knew I would want to return to eventually. So many people I've spoken to from Bournemouth who have lived away have now either returned or have plans to return in the future. 

The break from, or end of, my acting career (whatever this may end up being) will be replaced with a computer and code. A thought that was of course strong in my mind was if I were to move back, what would I do? There was so many things that didn't attract me and, after a lot of conversation with my cousin, I have been learning to code. At the risk of sounding like a nerd I have found it exciting and interesting and would love to pursue a career in it. This is obviously a radical shift from acting and the lifestyle that goes with it but I think that is a big factor. I have had far too much experience of the freelance lifestyle and I crave structure. The thought of having a routine and a structured life excites me and that's what I would move back to achieve. I have spent 8 years thinking constantly about money and not knowing when the next job will be or if next months rent will be paid out of money earned or savings. The relief that I will feel having a job and a salary and a routine to my life will be priceless.

There are so many reasons and components to this decision that writing them all would probably be boring and undoubtedly long so I will leave it there. I don't want people to feel sad for me that I didn't achieve what I set out to do here. I want people to feel happy for me that I had an amazing 8 years in London and am moving onto something new. As unexpected as this year has been this is the right move for me right now. I'm sad it's the end but happy it's a beginning. I am excited for what happens next. I am excited to come home.

2020

Just the two years and one month in between this blog and my last then. Good.

First, some home truths of why I haven't written anything for such a long time. I have been falling slowly out of love with acting. I lost the drive to write and make films and despite being available and still keen I had less and less opportunities as time went on. Last year six months passed without a single audition. I forgot what it was like to act and have that excitement of being on set. I remain adamant that I never gave up acting and still haven't. But for 2019 acting gave up on me. I understood more about why friends had previously thrown in the towel with acting and done something more secure. I crave it too. Every day. You start to work out where your happiness lies on the scale. Is it leaning more to the side of security and money or sticking with the penniless dream chase? I can honestly say last year I didn't want to act anymore. I wasn't happy. I even almost climbed out of the rabbit hole completely and went for a full time job at the end of the year. There are only a small amount of people who can know how truly hard it is to chase the dream, repeatedly hitting brick walls and stay positive. Eventually it'll be one brick wall too many and you begin to think this is the universe's way of saying...have you tried something else?

I didn't get the full time job I went for and over Christmas and New Year it was good to have some time out to not think about work. I was watching (not a plug but...) the new A Christmas Carol on BBC and suddenly something sparked. I felt it again. This strong need to be up for these roles and the respect for the acting on display. This feeling of being left out of these shows and knowing I could take them on and do a good job. I left my agent a month ago after the quiet year and they agreed it was a shame it hadn't worked out and understood my reasons for leaving. I'm not in London to go for commercial after commercial but so much more. I know where my heart lies and the older I've got the more I know what I want. And I don't want to give up. Not yet.

The way 2020 has started, acting has started to pay attention again. I've got a new agent who I'm really excited about and feel rejuvenated with voice over work and acting. I don't know where it's come from but I've got the fight back again. I know how important it is for me to remind myself of how good I am and can be with the right opportunities. I know if I can get in the audition room I can impress. I just need to keep going. I know I will have times this year which will be tough but every year has had tough moments. 2019 was the hardest. I will make sure 2020 will be easier.

And...I'll try to blog more.

Lots of love. Sam x

2017

God I love a summing up. We're hurtling towards 2018 and I'm getting all reflective about this year, and by hell I've decided to focus on the positives. I promised my friend Adam I'd be positive so my hands are tied.

This year I:

• Made 2 films
• Got into 5 film festivals so far with them
• Made London my home more than ever before
• Actually now feel like a professional voice over artist
• Added to the list of memories I never want to forget
• Ran 10k in a time I'm ridiculously proud of
• Done what's made me happy

I'm really proud of myself. Partly just because I'm still in London. It's another year and I'm still living there and (somehow) affording to live and work there. It's been the toughest year so far (on the edge of positivity now...) but I've survived and my postcode still remains N7.

The films. I won't say much about them because I've already blogged about it but the happiest I may have ever been was during the week of filming The Boy Who Wanted To Be A Lighthouse Keeper with my best friends in Devon. It was a feeling of huge pride and happiness to know the people who helped me make it. The support of the Mighty Colour Films guys is solely responsible for me making films in the first place. I owe them so much. I can't wait to show the films to everyone next year. They're doing really well in film festivals which unfortunately means we have to wait until Summer to release them but I plan on doing a big premiere in Bournemouth when the time comes and show a few Mighty Colour Films films past and present.

I want to thank my flatmates too. This is the most settled I've ever been in my life and it's down to 7 amazing flatmates and my amazing neighbour (yes it's a big house (yes we actually know our neighbour)). They're some of the most important people in my life now and I know I wouldn't be this happy without them. They've been so supportive of the films and I know I can rely on them if I've had a shit day which has happened on a few occasions this year.

10k. My run surprised me with how happy it made me. There aren't many things that I can say with confidence but with incredibly determined pride I can say I'm fast. Very fast. That sprint finish at the end of it all was worth all the training and the previous 39 minutes of complete pain and a devastatingly strong desire to stop at all times past 5 minutes. It meant a lot more to me than I realised and it's a moment I'll never forget.

I'm very aware I haven't written about acting at all. To be honest this year hasn't been much to write home about in the way of acting. My agent is putting me forward for all the right stuff but opportunities and auditions just haven't come up as often as they have in the past. There's been no shift in desire. If opportunities don't come up I'm more than happy to spend my time earning from promo work and writing and continuing to make my dear short films. It continues to be a waiting game which I'm more than happy to be patient about. I'm close to securing great regular flexible promo work so I can stick around. This year my faith has wavered a lot in what I'm doing. But it's almost a new year and my faith is as strong as ever. One last thing that this year has brought is a mini motto I've had to remind myself of at times. Everything's going to be ok. It's simple but I love it. It reminds me that things aren't going to stand still for me or my problems. Things are going to keep progressing and time will keep ticking by, and no matter how bad things get, it'll pass. Everything's going to be ok.

And that's it. I'm out for another year. Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Thank YOU too for reading this, keeping up with everything, despite the odd depressing bit, and being here. You're the best. Lots of love. Sam x

Backburner

It's been a while. Last time I blogged was in April and it wasn't all too positive feels. Since then I've finished 2 short films and kept on keeping on.

Firstly these 2 short films. The Boy Who Wanted To Be A Lighthouse Keeper, after about 6 long months of working itself out, is finished and out on the film festival circuit. If it made it to a few film festivals I'll be the happiest man around. At times it was a labour of love but I couldn't be prouder of everyone involved and that here we are. It's finished and I'm happy. Then there's Eat Jeremy. My second short film of the year which I wasn't sure was going to happen but, after a day of shooting and roughly a week or so of editing it's finished and joining the lighthouse film on the film festival circuit. I feel more a writer and filmmaker than I do an actor at the moment. I've had time to focus on filmmaking which has been great and films wouldn't have been made if it weren't for my dry spells but acting has slipped down the line. I'm a filmmaker first, voice over artist second, actor third.

So, this acting thing. It's been a tough old year, the toughest so far, and I think a change is needed. I've been very methodical and thoughtful with it and I feel as time has gone on my shift of what I enjoy has changed slightly. I love acting. It's the best feeling in the world to be someone else and change who you are completely. Having said that this year my most proud moments have been writing, directing, and creating my own projects. The most passionate I'll ever be is for my own short films and creations and that can be done and will continue to be done no matter where I end up at the end of all this. I feel I'm coming slowly closer to this conclusion that I need to put acting on the backburner for a while to still afford London. Many times this year I've kept myself free out of hope and faith that something will come up and it hasn't. I haven't been sensible. I need to change my priorities and that's not a bad thing that I'm not sad to do so. That's what I'd like to reiterate. If, in a years time, I'm still in London but doing less acting then that's ok. That's what path I've been led to. I know in my heart I will continue to make films and will always want to act, but I shouldn't be depressed if I have to grow up and realise I can't keep going the way I'm going financially. I need to do what I can to stay in London and if that means less acting then so be it. It's been an incredible adventure and maybe hasn't gone the way I'd hoped so far. Of course I wish I was further along than I am right now at my age and after 5 years of London. I think instead about how far I've come. How many films I've made and how proud I am of everything that I've achieved, and how I haven't let the negative things get me down. It sounds a bit like I'm saying goodbye to acting but that's not the case. I just feel like I've been living a bit of a dream that had an expiry date. I've never felt closer to the end of things and need to buy myself some more time. I need to grow up. If priorities need to change then that's what we have to do to keep the adventure going. It's not a sad thing or a goodbye. It's just a new direction that I need to take things in.

I said to my neighbour the other day, I'd love to get framed the words 'everything's going to be ok' on my wall. I love it. It's a brilliant reminder that whatever happens to anyone, the world isn't going to wait. Should anything happen to me that means I have to give up acting or move out of London the worlds going to keep on going. All I can do is my best. The rest is up to the universe to be kind and help a guy from Christchurch continue to live his dream. Everything's going to be ok. I am so grateful for every great thing that has happened in the last 5 ridiculous years. I hope for another 5.

March 2017

I'm glad to see the back of March which I will claim to be one of the hardest months I've had since moving to London.

I love doing these blogs. It's really therapeutic and I feel like I get everything on my mind off my chest. I've always been proud of how honest I am with them and I'll say exactly what's going on and how I'm feeling. If you read back on all of the posts of this blog I realise probably most, if not all of them, are either 'I'm feeling a bit down about things' or 'I'm determined to stop feeling down about things' which could potentially be a bit boring and repetitive. So to not break tradition I'm going to tell it straight and it may be a bit of a downer but know that it's all ok.

For the first time over the last month and a half I've been questioning how long I can be an actor for. I still want to do it of course but for the first time I started to think responsibly about how much money I can spend on staying in London and hoping things will work out. Acting is unpredictable and it can happen for anyone just like good actors can go their whole lives without anything happening to them. After what can only be described as a shit-tonne of tax to pay, a short film made over budget and no notably moneymaking acting jobs to speak of I started to think how realistic this is. I'm back to the Sam who first moved to London, unsure if I'll be here in a years time, but with less optimism. I'm tired. I get so tired of trying to constantly look for jobs and be positive and keep my head up and have faith that something will come up. The truth is I feel more pessimistic than ever about it. The faith and hope aren't there. I've felt quite depressed most of this month and just haven't been myself. I'd rather be alone in the evenings than see anyone and just didn't have the passion to make an effort to see people. I found out that a job I'd done last year was extending the usage which meant a bit more money which was great but didn't change how I felt. It's all starting to feel like I'm using small amounts of money that I'll get from jobs to plug a leak for the time being and not looking at the bigger problem of how I can achieve more and not have to rely on these little jobs to squeeze rent out of each month. I'm starting to look at the bigger picture. I feel very grown up. It's horrible.

God that was depressing. I feel like I should apologise for being such a down clown. Basically I'm feeling a lot better now. I went home last week and feel a lot better for it. I talked to my family about it and had a lot of thinking time. I also remembered that this is how I've felt the last 2 years at this point in the year and I got out of the slump. I don't know how many people read this when I post but I'm glad when people do. And totally get that I can be a Moany Mcdownerson with it sometimes. It's my therapy and I like to get it off my chest. It's my window to say how it's really going without sugarcoating things.

So to sum up:

• Actings hard
• Had a bit of a wobble
• Stopped wobbling

And that was March. April will be better.

The Boy Who Wanted To Be A Lighthouse Keeper

Well January wasn't written about at all and it's mid February now but it's for a good reason. Last July I was on a date and I don't know what brought it up but I talked about a list I had of 3 things that were pretty farfetched ideas that may never happen one day and one of them was to live in a lighthouse for a year. We'd gone to a park close by to mine with a couple of gin and tonic cans (because I'm a classy romantic kind of guy) and as I walked home in the full moon I had this image in my head of this guy in a 'meeting' with his parents saying he doesn't want to do what they want him to do anymore. He wants to follow his childhood dream instead. He wants to be a lighthouse keeper. I got home and went to the roof and wrote for an hour and a half the beginnings of what was going to be a film I would crowd fund and make 6 months later.

It was the busiest week of my life but one of the best. We were a skeleton crew for the magnitude of what we needed to get done but I am proud of everyone involved. I want to thank my parents too for going above and beyond and then some. They came down to help and feed us so stayed in a cottage down the road...which we ended up using as our main location. They were so tolerant of my stress and occasional idiocy and I wouldn't have been able to get through it without them. This is the most complete film we've made so far. I couldn't have done it with out Adam and Sam, the other Mighty Colours of Mighty Colour Films. I learnt so much during the week including how well we work together. There were definitely moments of stress but we were always on the same page and completely understood each other when there were disagreements. There is such an understanding between us that it proved to me that we will make amazing films in the future. There is a really strong bond between us and I consider them brothers. At the end of the week my heart was full. I had a moment on the morning of leaving, looking out over the village of Beer, of complete gratitude for what had happened. I loved every moment of it. The first day was rained off and we had to reschedule but I remember standing in the rain on that beach looking around and yelling 'I LOVE FILMMAKING' just because despite any stress that came with it I wouldn't rather be doing anything else. Writing and directing has become such a big passion and I loved directing this. I was really proud of myself when there were moments that weren't working or someone wasn't comfortable doing something and I had to find another way of doing it that would work. I think a lot about acting as an unpredictable luck driven career and think if I could make more films and get better and maybe even pick up some awards that would do the world of good for contacts and career. Whatever happens with acting I will never stop making films. I've found my home with it. It's one of the best things in the world doing something that makes yourself proud and I can't wait to show you the finished film.

December and all of 2016

We're at the end of the year already and I think for a lot of people we will think about this year not about the things we've done personally but the big political decisions of the year. I think it's important to take out the stuff you can't control and focus on yourself when looking at this year. I'm not going to say it's been a bad year for me because of Brexit and Trump but focus on the things that are important to me.

It's been an up and down year. I've had probably the quietest summer I've had so far and haven't had any auditions towards tv or film yet. I don't feel like I've progressed too much but I feel like I'm learning each year. Maybe the biggest thing I've learnt has been patience. I've got a great agent and am in a strong position to start being seen for minor tv roles. Now I just need to be patient and wait for the infamous 'break'. Really I can't have too many complaints when I look at all the things I've achieved. For now I'll focus on the positive things.

• This year I was on billboards on tube stations, trains and buses all around London and was shown on TV to millions of people.
• I got a great agent.
• I went to Colombia for 2 months with my best friends and had some of the best moments of my life.
• I raised £200 towards cancer and ran a fast 10k time.
• I wrote a film I love and raised money for it.

I'm a big believer on luck in this industry but I have worked hard for this. I don't want this to come across as boastful in any way. I just don't want my year governed by things that are out of my control like politics and just think about the good things that have happened. I'm not going to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders when I look at 2016. I just want to focus on what's important to me like writing and acting and how proud I am of myself. I am so pleased about the things I have achieved and want to keep bettering myself each year. Hopefully by the end of 2017 I'll be writing about even bigger things...but I am patient and will continue to wait patiently until it happens. Be positive, be happy, be proud of the things you are achieving. You're doing great. It's hard to remember sometimes but I want to keep those thoughts in my mind always. Here's to a better 2017.

November 2016

Lighthouse Lighthouse Lighthouse. Lighthouse. November has given Mighty Colour Films a Facebook page (www.facebook.com/mightycolourfilms) and our first crowd funding campaign which is going brilliantly. We've talked for so long about spreading our social media wings and raising our profile. I've spoken a lot before about the faith I have in what we can achieve as a trio and I really hope people like the work we do and if we do end up getting a lot of likes and attention for it I want it to be deserved. It is hard work to continually post to keep our presence strong but it doesn't feel like work because it's what we love doing. I want to thank you too so much for liking the page and being a part of what we're trying to achieve. I hope we can make films that will make you proud of us and keep getting bigger and stronger.

Since we're talking about thanks I can't be more appreciative for the people who have donated and shared my project. The Boy Who Wanted To Be A Lighthouse Keeper is not a film I can afford to do with my own money. As great as the last few months have been with jobs I am still a regularly unemployed actor living in London. I had no idea what to expect when we started this. I was really happy with the video we'd made with a little bit of comedy in to show our personality and after a day of no donations when it started I realised I was going to have to reach out for support. I posted more and started messaging people who were in the creative industry in one way or another and people who I felt could understand what I was trying to do. I had little goals of reaching a certain amount by the end of the week and that pushed me to reach out more and more and go down a lot of avenues to find the money. It's been really hard. I've had to push the link and find new ways of selling it and posting it. I wanted to keep it fresh too so tried to cast by a certain time so I could update new things to interest more people and secure locations for the perfect stagger of posting and timings for when the majority of people are on Facebook. This is how much I think about it. I think about it every day and generally it's all I will want to talk about. I've met a lot of people who have their own little projects and ideas and I feel like, as much as this needs to be a success for my short film, I want this to be a success for others too. I want to be an example of how if you want something do everything you can to get it done. I haven't taken a film making or script writing course. I am arguably not qualified to be doing what I'm doing. I don't have the experience or know enough about film making. But what I do have is the passion for it and I personally think that's more than enough to get it done. I'm doing this because I love it and think I'd be good at it. I've not been to drama school so not even qualified to be an actor. I'm here because it's my passion and I will do anything I can to do it. If there's an opportunity to do something you love then work out how to do it and get it done. Make it happen. It's so achievable if you put your mind to it and the rewards for it are immense pride and happiness. I'm speaking from experience and with The Boy Who Wanted To Be A Lighthouse I know if I can make it look like it is in my head it will be one of the proudest moments of my life showing it to the world.

We are currently £235 away from reaching our target. I am so driven to get to 100% and yes I am about to ask (yet again) for a donation if possible. I need your help to reach our goal. Just £10 gets your name in the credits and therefore part of the film. Thank you so much for the support already. I am unbelievably grateful for it. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for that support. Thank you.

igg.me/at/lighthousekeeperfilm

October 2016

October's been great. Firstly the 10k I did on the 1st went well. My aim was 45 minutes and I got 46:55. I was pleased with how I ran but disappointed to not get 45 despite being proud of the time I did get. It's really comforting to have these side interests I think like running and even though I didn't entirely enjoy the training and occasionally wondered why the hell I was doing this it was worth it for that final 200 metres of people cheering you on and, of course, the beer afterwards.

This month has been a hell of a success. A much needed one. There are some actors I've met along the way who seem to always have things going on and I am so envious always of their busy lifestyle. I consider it a successful year if I get one big job but October has been kind and has given me 2. I did some modelling and hand modelling (yes this means I can say I'm officially a hand model) for Visa and a TV advert for Lotteries.com. Those were the big jobs and with them came lots of little brilliant voice over and corporate jobs. It's weird to say 'I'm on a roll' when all of this is down to luck. Momentum is all mental if it's felt with these jobs I think. I'm a lucky boy to have these things work out and I do genuinely feel stronger for it, as odd as that may sound. I'm really happy at the moment.

I've somewhat drowned in a passionate love affair with my lighthouse film. I think about it every day and any time I'm free I work towards making it more of a reality. I'm currently casting for it and working on an Indiegogo crowdfunding pitch that will be up and running hopefully within the next week. It's slowly coming together and that feeling of miniature progress every time I do something small towards it fuels the passion more. At this moment in time I probably wouldn't mind if I lived off adverts and used them to fun my short film ideas. It really is on par with my love of acting. Being creative is my favourite thing in the whole world and I want to work hard to make the lighthouse film something people can watch and see why I was so keen to make it. I want to make people fall in love and cry and laugh and The Boy Who Wanted To Be A Lighthouse Keeper can do just that. I couldn't recommend sodding everything off and doing what you love any more. It's a complete happiness I'm feeling and it's because I'm only doing what I love and nothing else.

September 2016

Last month my agent told me it was natural for it to be quiet over the summer and it would get busier in September and he was right. It's been a really great month for auditions and the odd job. I had a recall for a tv advert and although no big jobs have been gained I feel I've got confidence in the auditions I've got and did my best in them. If I can have more weeks like some I've had in September it would be no time at all before I got another big job. I did feel some frustration at the end of a 2 week busy auditioning period at not getting anything but it's so important to remind myself of how much pot luck is involved in all of it. I was talking about life with one of my best mates on my rooftop overlooking the best sunset of the year so far (no apologies for how that sentence sounds) and I realised that the thing that makes me the happiest is my career. The happiest I've been in the last few years has been when I've had good auditions or got great jobs. A lot of different things drive different people like how important love life is for example which is important to me but I realised I'm more happy over a new job that a girl I'm excited about. It's all to do with where you are in your life and at the moment if my career goes well I feel everything else around it will lift with it.

Now things are calming down slightly I can return my attention towards my lighthouse film. I really want to make it. I feel like I need to make it in January otherwise it may not be made for a long time. Originally I wanted £2000 at least but I think if I stripped it back and raised a grand for it I could make it just as good with a huge amount of favours. I really believe in it. It's the kind of film I've always wanted to make and if it goes well I will have a beautifully shot endearing little comedy love story. I still think about how lucky I am to be able to make films with the friends around me as helpful as they are. I never thought I'd have any interest in making films when I first moved to London and everything's changed. I enjoy it just as much as acting. Also yesterday I ran in the Bournemouth marathon doing a 10k which is another thing I thought I'd never do. I'm really proud of myself. I'm proud of the person I've become and how I go about what I do. The people who I'm closest with know I will be the first to take the mickey out of what I'm doing sometimes but I am really proud of who I am and who I've become in the last 4 years in London. I am a completely different person. I never talk about how hard it is. That's probably why I make jokes to cover over the occasional tough month but there's no point being down about it. It is what it is and I'm thankful for the journey so far. I hope from now to the end of the year there is a surprise for me. Anything can happen.

August 2016 - Lighthouses and Summer

August has been one long boring fairly jobless month so I've decided to write a short film; my next project, called The Boy Who Wanted To Be A Lighthouse Keeper. I got a little drunk with a friend a month ago and told them that one of my 'probably not going to happen but nice thought' plans was to one day live in a lighthouse. As I walked home I had this quirky scene in my head of well-to-do parents asking their son what he's going to do with his life hoping to follow a respectable professional path and simply telling them he wants to be a lighthouse keeper. I got home and wrote for an hour in the moonlight on my rooftop and have spent this month, with the lack of jobs and auditions, working on it. I've realised I love creating and writing just as much as acting. I didn't think I'd love anything more but the writing and imagination of it gets me so inspired and excited that I get really passionate about making things.

Mighty Colour Films is looking strong and its future is exciting. We have films we've not released yet that we're looking forward to showing and will be storming social media by force. I think about what we could achieve with a budget and I wholeheartedly believe we could create some really interesting dynamic beautifully shot films with Adam at the camera helm and Sam's imagination. I have decided I would like to raise money for my lighthouse film. I think we've proven so far what we can do on no budget and want to show off how good we can be with some money behind us. This is uncharted territory as I know nothing about raising money for short films and kickstarter projects but I think in the grand scheme of things I won't be asking for a colossal amount and it's achievable. Unless anyone has a spare £3000 they'd like to make into a future award winning exciting film?

Always worth an ask.

I met with my agent a few weeks ago and he printed off a list of what he'd been putting me up for the last few weeks and one of them was Game of Thrones. I didn't get an audition but still a massive confidence boost in who my agent can get me in front of as well as what he thinks I'm capable of. I'm really happy with him. We talked about how August is always quiet because people go on summer holidays, even production company people, and that it should pick up in September. I think I've been doing all the right things but it's just not happening at the moment. I have faith September will pick up. Actually since I've been writing this I just got booked for a job in Somerset for a few days. I've started going for these little jobs knowing if I can get a few of them a month that's me sorted for a little bit and almost even more importantly it clears my head and makes me feel in control and on top of things. Quiet times are tough so I'm pleased I've had my lighthouse film to keep me occupied and happy. It's been so important for me to keep creative and positive through this tough month and I'm ready for more auditions and jobs now. If I could get maybe a big advert before the year is out that would keep me going but it's still the small roles in tv and film that will build my career. I am happy to be patient and wait for my chance. I've got my own projects to make and to master and champion social media through Mighty Colour Films. Whatever happens this is something I'm in control of and can make some big noise myself. And if I can raise the right money I will.

Slow

Hell fire it's slow. Oh it's so slow. Since I've been back from Colombia which is ridiculously 2 and a half months ago, feeling like 6, work has been limited. It's not just me. I've spoken to a few other actors and it's not just me. Since I've been with my new agent I've had one commercial audition under him and have been in contact asking if there's anything more I can do. It's just luck of the draw and I'm going into summer on a bit of low because auditions, let alone work, just aren't happening and going my way at the moment. Maybe this is one of the reasons why people trying to be actors change careers. It's this frustration that you can't do anything to get rid of apart from get work. Easier said than done. I'm on my way back to Christchurch for my sisters birthday. Train journeys are the best to think and sort your life out a bit. Hopefully within the next week I will have my second short film to show you and by the end of July will have shot another I've written. I need to keep myself busy with my own projects even if it's just to get used to being in front of camera again.

2 weeks ago I had an audition for a TV commercial which I really wanted. Small money but the director had worked with amazing actors and the casting director was brilliant. We did the audition and I haven't been that disappointed in myself in a long time. Every now and then an audition will come along where they ask you to do something that you just can't seem to do naturally. The scene was me at the top of a zip wire with my daughter who was about to go down it and she was scared. My direction was to reassure her and occasionally make jokes about how high it was. I did that and was fairly happy then I was asked to do it without words then after that to do it in the space of about 5 seconds. With a bit of concentration I could have but I just couldn't get the hang of it. Sometimes that happens and it knocked me back a bit and I was really frustrated. You have to remind yourself that sometimes that just happens but I'll always need a bit of time to just be sad about it before I bounce back. I'm lacking confidence that I can regain with workshops which I've never considered before and think would really help.

This is a low point so I'm going to get my head down, work on my own projects, and do all I can to get more opportunities. Actings hard. It's getting harder. Right now is about keeping my head up whilst I'm down and having faith. I'll always have faith in what I'm doing. I enjoy it far too much. I said before its the highest highs and the lowest lows doing this. It'll all be worth it when I'm laughing on the Game of Thrones set sipping champagne talking about my latest role in Blackadder the remake playing Blackadder. Or something like that. Chin up.

Fuck It Do What You Love

It's been one month exactly since I got back from Colombia which was amazing but honestly I was glad to get home. The last week or so I'd made so many lists of things to do when I got back in England I got more and more eager to get back and crack on with acting. I wanted to find a new agent, release Bump, and pick up where I left off with voice overs and acting jobs.

Bump. Making Bump is probably my proudest moment so far. I was so excited to be able to show people and the feedback has been really great. I want to make 2 more short films this year and will be releasing another I wrote and directed last year soon. I've been pretty lazy on the side of finding and entering film festivals but I think that's because I've done all I need to do with the film to make me happy. I made it. I'm proud of it. I showed people. I'm happy. Writing has become a bigger love the more I do it and, like acting, it doesn't look like I'll ever stop doing it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFInsR3UQeA&nohtml5=False

Finding a new agent. My friend Carys had a meeting with Amy Hubbard of Hubbard casting which is one of the biggest casting agencies in the world and she gave my friend a list of 10 agents. I saw this list and emailed them Monday morning 8am asking for representation along with my showreel. Unfortunately there was no response so after ideas from my friend Dom I emailed the following Monday morning with simply "I emailed a week ago and wanted to show you this" and a link to Bump. No response. My plan became finding a new thing each week to send them until I got a reply. The week later I emailed them showing off my guitar capabilities with my silly comedy song "My First" linked below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAIkx8ZWHFg

I received an email back from Pelham Associates run by an ex actor called Peter Cleall who wanted to meet me. I still think it's ridiculous that my exceptionally silly song about losing your virginity got me a meeting with a great agent but that's why I sent it. I did all I could to stand out and I wanted to show that I wasn't a one trick pony but also wrote films and songs. We met and for my 3 and a half years of acting and having an agent previously I could be clear with what I wanted and they were lovely about my abilities and it was promising. They said they'd let me know in a few days and that was on Monday. I honestly felt all week that it was probably going to be bad news. It was a good meeting but the waiting was horrible. I called my parents last night with no news and said to them I think it's probably a no because I haven't heard from them yet. This morning I get this from them:

Hi Sam

Dione and I enjoyed meeting you on Monday and would like to offer you representation as an actor.  Please give me a call on the above number if you wish to go ahead.

Best
Peter Cleall

I had already started to think about what I should send to new agents on Monday before this email. This is the biggest moment in my career so far. I've got an agent who has amazing contacts and who can progress my career further in film, tv and theatre. I am so thankful to be in this position but there's work to do now. It's about how much I can work for myself and put the effort in for my agent just as much as doing well in the auditions Peter gets for me. I made myself an ambitious resolution for this year to try and get a line or two in a tv series or film at least but in the back of my head I knew it could take another year to find an agent to give me that opportunity.

I want to finish this blog by saying I want this to be proof to not let anything stop what you love doing. I know my family are always wanting the best for me because anything can happen and they worry that things might not go my way. I know so many people through Uni and elsewhere whose advice to young actors would be to 'do anything else.' There have been countless times I felt down about my career not just in London but also through university and in Bournemouth worrying that I'm not progressing fast enough. The main thing is I've got this agent not from going to drama school which everyone told me I'd need to go to to have any serious success in acting (In your face drama school) but through knowing what I want, being realistic, being lucky and being driven. Never do what you're content to settle with if you're not happy. Do what makes you happy. There's a book called 'Fuck it Do What You Love' and that's right. Make it happen. Do what you love! I'm so pleased I never gave up when I didn't get into drama school, had shit days, felt like a terrible actor. That's part of it. And for this moment it was all worth it.

My Year

Maybe it's a week too soon for this but I'm reflecting on this year. I'm on a train home from London after doing my last job before Christmas and I'm pleased it's all over for a bit. I think on paper this year looks pretty successful. I wrote and directed 2 films and got a TV advert. It's not been my toughest year but it's been less patient. I've felt more frustrated than usual about not moving forward as fast as I'd like. Acting will always be everything but I have felt the strain, particularly from September to November where nothing seemed to happen and it did get me down. I was probably at my lowest the day before I got pencilled for the TV advert so the timing was perfect. I think a lot about how actors, or at least with me for sure, need a bit of validity every now and then just to know you're doing the right thing and doing it the way people want you too and even just a confirmation that you're a good actor. I definitely feel like that from time to time and I think the quiet autumn confirmed that. I also think it's the science of making other people happy makes you happy and I will always try to do that. It's the best feeling in the world playing a role and taking on direction and doing it the way people want you to do it. I also wanted people to know my belief since I moved to London has never wavered. Even in my quiet autumn there wasn't a single moment I thought I should start to plan for a life without acting.

This year ended up being a rewarding one with maybe some of the lowest days of London so far but definitely the best days of my life too. I remember thinking at one point you change the most between 16 and 20 but I think this time last year I was a different person to who I am let alone since I moved to London. One of the biggest things I've learned since moving has been stamina and the patience I need to do this and this year has definitely been a stamina year. I have no doubt I'll be a completely different person again this time next year. Roll on 2016 and have a bloody brilliant Christmas. X

November 2015

As I sit in a Premier Inn restaurant in Cambridge sipping on a Baileys eating an outstanding New Yorker pizza I'm in a reflective mood. This time a month ago I was working at my filing job to earn pennies for a trip to Colombia I was worried I wouldn't realistically be able to afford. Now I've had the biggest job of my life so far in the Canary Islands and came home straight into being Santa Claus for the East of England in, most of the time, the middle of nowhere. I am happy. I've had some bad days and maybe one of the worst moods I've been in to immediately be followed by the best days of my life. I've said it before, I'll say it again and I'll probably say it a few more times after but I am so grateful for this month. Someone up there likes me. Sometimes the world has a way of falling on its feet when you need it more than ever.

The other day I decided I'm going to be famous. I was looking out the window on my lunch break, half in a Santa suit in a very very small place called Framlingham, and thought "yeah, I'm going to be famous". It's been amazing and I'm still pinching myself but I'm determined to not rest of my laurels and think this'll do for now. I'm becoming more aware of the momentum I need to start building with this and I'm working on 7 weeks out of the country not breaking that. For the side of me that feels he needs to prove himself to people back home and his friends everywhere I can be happy with this achievement. I always know I can take on anything. Even on the low days I know I can nail a part and I'd be a great choice but I needed to let other people know that. I was never going to be Sam who goes off and follows his dreams but he'll grow out of this phase one day and throw in the towel. This job has proved I'm a somebody who will continue to make noise until everyone is listening. November, you've been unpredictably awesome. December, more of the same. Let's see how much noise I can make.

Lost

It's been a couple of months since my last acting role with a character I could really get into and that was something I'd written and organised myself. In the last few months I've had one audition and a lot of things have gone quiet. I'm keeping my head up but it doesn't really matter too much at the moment. It's winter so there's not as many jobs to audition for and I'm in limbo, saving money for my 7 week adventure around Colombia, then when I get back I will look for a new agent. For now I need to wait and be patient. I'm doing my side jobs and getting money which is all good but I can't help but feel a bit lost. I think about why I moved to London and have had nothing to show for my career from the last few months. The short films I made are labouring onwards and I hope to get them done and released by the end of the year but I'm impatient to want to show more for myself. This year has been a bit of a non year. I couldn't be prouder of myself for writing and making two films but I wish they were one of many other highlights. I want to have things I've auditioned and fought for to show too. A Nurofen advert isn't good enough for a years work to look back on. Not even a TV or film audition and I know I'm worth more.

I've got work lined up until December currently and it's great money but it's not acting. I will get through it all fine but this year I wish had gone better. I need a new agent. I need a step up and know I can prove to people I'm not just some low level advert actor. I'm not Sam who went to London to try really hard and we're all very proud of him for his efforts. I'm Sam who went to London because he was never going to do anything else and is racing up the ladder and making a name for himself. It's a patient time but I can't fight the stagnating feeling of just waiting and working on other things and hope that maybe I'll get a shot. Colombia couldn't come sooner enough. For the second time since I moved to London I want to go somewhere and just not think about acting for a bit. I'm a bit tired of it all. The waiting with no results. Nothing to show of my determination to stay here and make a career. My career hasn't started yet. Next year is no excuse year but until March 6th when I get back from South America I don't want to deal with my career for now. I think I'm just a bit fed up. I'm not acting so therefore not as happy as I could be. I feel a bit lost so I want to lose myself in Colombia and not even really think about England. Just go out and think in the moment and let loose a bit so when I come back I'm refreshed and ready to get stuck in again. And I will be a different person when I get back.

Meet Sam And Mighty Colour Films

This week has been one of most successful ever. Mighty Colour Films, the collective of Adam, Sam and I, is at a very exciting time. Meet Sam was finally released last Sunday and the films that we made are close to being posted to the public. And this week has been busy filming in Bournemouth for 2 more films. It was a pretty intense couple of days filming with the guys. I was proud to film with them. I always am. The way they look and understand things is, I feel, of a top professional level and I feel I'm in the presence of people who deserve a lot more credit and attention than they receive now. Without knowing it they test and challenge me to think more and always try to improve my work and I feel I have. In the credits of the film we shot on Tuesday it will say 'directed by Sam South' but really it was a collaboration. It's as much my project as it is theirs because of how strongly we work together.

I am excited for Mighty Colour Films. The films that haven't yet been seen that we did 3 years ago would demand recognition at any film festival. There are now 5 films we have not shown and I would say each one deserves merit. But maybe I'm being biased...I couldn't have any more faith in the work we do. Meet Sam is loved and will only get stronger. The films we will release will demand attention and I will demand it for them. What we've done in the last few years has proven the idea of surrounding yourself with positive people and you will have more belief. And also finding creative people to not only work with but be true to and honest and as creatively open as possible. I have a very strong bond to these people because of the performances we've been through together. I have no real reason for making these films. I do it because I love writing and making. Making films is one of the best things in the world, and to do it with my some of my best friends too, well that's just perfect.

Jurassic World

I've just watched Jurassic World. I didn't enjoy it. My expectations were to see some dinosaurs and hear the Jurassic Park theme tune again and, yeah, we hit that expectation pretty well. The thing for me that just kept making me feel that little bit more annoyed was the amount of stereotypes. The predictability of the plot, I guess, was always going to be clear but did the film have to hit these stereotypes so hard on? I don't want this to sound like a film review because the thought that lingered in my mind through the film was that, for an actor watching, is this what I'm aiming for? Am I working so hard to be that lucky person to finally hit the big time to play a character seen so many times before to say terrible lines? If I'm a young kid wanting to be an actor and seeing this film as the highest of the high then I'd think I don't have to really do all that much acting. I just have to get good at saying cheesy lines and looking good when they say action. I summed it up in my head as a classic bullshit blockbuster. It in no way deserved it's billion dollars. It also made me think if, as actors, we have a right to be unhappy with who we are playing and what lines we're given. If we have a case to be unhappy with filmmakers giving us one dimensional characters and shitty lines. Is it the filmmakers responsibility to not only make a great film but also test the actors ability with a really brilliant deep character and natural sounding lines? It pissed me off.

It also made me think about what kind of actor I want to be. My love of acting started with heartfelt moments in genuine feeling stories where you felt it as much as the character on the screen was. You were right there with them and tonight really uninspired me. I choose a great role over a great price any time. I'm not here to sell out. I'm not here to sprint to the top and burn out straight after. I want to play characters that people will fall for, love, cry for, and be there for every emotion they go through. Jurassic World did nothing. I felt like it was out to tick enough boxes to make a decent movie and the title and history of the films would carry it the rest of the way to big money. I'd be perfectly happy indie filmmaking on no budget with a story that will excite and characters that people will love rather than just painting the audience bland. You were an important watch Jurassic World. I hope I never fall to the hands of a predictability ridden film like you.

I Turned 26

So here I am walking home from London Bridge because the weather is brilliant. It's an hour and a half walk but screw using a stuffy tube for half an hour. And I'm thinking to myself what if luck is saying fuck waiting until 30 for your break to come. This is the start of something now. The tilt into more jobs starts here. I've been shortlisted for a feature film, doing another TV advert next week as well as auditioning for an Irish TV advert and waiting to hear back from another advert that will see me travel to Greece to film. What if the break came now? What if I decided not to be sensible and think that this is it. I'm going to start getting famous right now. If I dare myself to relax into the notion that every job I go for is mine I wonder if people will see a change. A successful man has walked into your room whether you give him this job or not.

Confidence is everything. Without it I move back to Bournemouth thinking it was worth a try but we always knew we'd end up back here. With it I'm a focused determined success and people will know that from how I carry myself. One of my heroes is short of confidence at the moment and I can see how much of a difference it makes. The stamina of my determination is always tested but hasn't made a dent yet. I'm a really fucking good actor and I deserve to be getting better jobs. People shouldn't confuse arrogance with determination because whether anyone else does or not I believe in myself wholeheartedly. And if I lose confidence along the way I will need people there to remind me of who I am and how hard I can fight to be a success. One of my best friends once said to me "in my eyes you're already a success because you said you'd move to London and you're there doing it right now" and that made me think no matter what I've had the bravery to do it. But I'm a perfectionist and I demand to not leave London until I've made it. It's crazy what a difference I feel turning 26 in growing up and being more focused. I hope and have faith when I turn 27 I'll still be in London fighting.

Head Down

A family friend asked me a couple of days ago how I've found life since living in London and this was my answer. I don't think I've realised how hard the last 2 and a half years have been because I've kept my head down and got on with things, and that's how I'll always be.

When things have been hard I've got over it quick and not allowed myself to dwell on anything. I try not to give myself time to think about what's just happened and how amazing things could have been but look to how things will get better. I won't allow myself to look back because I don't want to stop what I'm doing. I don't want to distract myself with daydreamy "look how well I've done" thoughts and that is probably why I can sometimes not know what to do with compliments and not give myself praise all that much. But that question made me stop, look back, and realise it's been a really fucking hard 2 and a half years. And I'd never admit it because I kept my head down. Ignored it. Focused on the positives and all that talk. And I've been grateful.

Yes it's been hard but it's been fun and I'm having the best time of my life. It's hard now but it won't be when things start to really go right. It's only been 2 and a half years after all. My fight and determination has not reduced and every penny will go into London. I moved here because I was impatient and didn't want to wait for drama school. I never needed it in the first place and diving in the deep end has been the best decision. Yes it's difficult. Of course it is. But I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's right now. There is no time limit on how long I'll be here. Just like there's no time limit on the love you have for your family or a best mate. I'm in this wholeheartedly and I always will be.