2017

God I love a summing up. We're hurtling towards 2018 and I'm getting all reflective about this year, and by hell I've decided to focus on the positives. I promised my friend Adam I'd be positive so my hands are tied.

This year I:

• Made 2 films
• Got into 5 film festivals so far with them
• Made London my home more than ever before
• Actually now feel like a professional voice over artist
• Added to the list of memories I never want to forget
• Ran 10k in a time I'm ridiculously proud of
• Done what's made me happy

I'm really proud of myself. Partly just because I'm still in London. It's another year and I'm still living there and (somehow) affording to live and work there. It's been the toughest year so far (on the edge of positivity now...) but I've survived and my postcode still remains N7.

The films. I won't say much about them because I've already blogged about it but the happiest I may have ever been was during the week of filming The Boy Who Wanted To Be A Lighthouse Keeper with my best friends in Devon. It was a feeling of huge pride and happiness to know the people who helped me make it. The support of the Mighty Colour Films guys is solely responsible for me making films in the first place. I owe them so much. I can't wait to show the films to everyone next year. They're doing really well in film festivals which unfortunately means we have to wait until Summer to release them but I plan on doing a big premiere in Bournemouth when the time comes and show a few Mighty Colour Films films past and present.

I want to thank my flatmates too. This is the most settled I've ever been in my life and it's down to 7 amazing flatmates and my amazing neighbour (yes it's a big house (yes we actually know our neighbour)). They're some of the most important people in my life now and I know I wouldn't be this happy without them. They've been so supportive of the films and I know I can rely on them if I've had a shit day which has happened on a few occasions this year.

10k. My run surprised me with how happy it made me. There aren't many things that I can say with confidence but with incredibly determined pride I can say I'm fast. Very fast. That sprint finish at the end of it all was worth all the training and the previous 39 minutes of complete pain and a devastatingly strong desire to stop at all times past 5 minutes. It meant a lot more to me than I realised and it's a moment I'll never forget.

I'm very aware I haven't written about acting at all. To be honest this year hasn't been much to write home about in the way of acting. My agent is putting me forward for all the right stuff but opportunities and auditions just haven't come up as often as they have in the past. There's been no shift in desire. If opportunities don't come up I'm more than happy to spend my time earning from promo work and writing and continuing to make my dear short films. It continues to be a waiting game which I'm more than happy to be patient about. I'm close to securing great regular flexible promo work so I can stick around. This year my faith has wavered a lot in what I'm doing. But it's almost a new year and my faith is as strong as ever. One last thing that this year has brought is a mini motto I've had to remind myself of at times. Everything's going to be ok. It's simple but I love it. It reminds me that things aren't going to stand still for me or my problems. Things are going to keep progressing and time will keep ticking by, and no matter how bad things get, it'll pass. Everything's going to be ok.

And that's it. I'm out for another year. Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Thank YOU too for reading this, keeping up with everything, despite the odd depressing bit, and being here. You're the best. Lots of love. Sam x

Backburner

It's been a while. Last time I blogged was in April and it wasn't all too positive feels. Since then I've finished 2 short films and kept on keeping on.

Firstly these 2 short films. The Boy Who Wanted To Be A Lighthouse Keeper, after about 6 long months of working itself out, is finished and out on the film festival circuit. If it made it to a few film festivals I'll be the happiest man around. At times it was a labour of love but I couldn't be prouder of everyone involved and that here we are. It's finished and I'm happy. Then there's Eat Jeremy. My second short film of the year which I wasn't sure was going to happen but, after a day of shooting and roughly a week or so of editing it's finished and joining the lighthouse film on the film festival circuit. I feel more a writer and filmmaker than I do an actor at the moment. I've had time to focus on filmmaking which has been great and films wouldn't have been made if it weren't for my dry spells but acting has slipped down the line. I'm a filmmaker first, voice over artist second, actor third.

So, this acting thing. It's been a tough old year, the toughest so far, and I think a change is needed. I've been very methodical and thoughtful with it and I feel as time has gone on my shift of what I enjoy has changed slightly. I love acting. It's the best feeling in the world to be someone else and change who you are completely. Having said that this year my most proud moments have been writing, directing, and creating my own projects. The most passionate I'll ever be is for my own short films and creations and that can be done and will continue to be done no matter where I end up at the end of all this. I feel I'm coming slowly closer to this conclusion that I need to put acting on the backburner for a while to still afford London. Many times this year I've kept myself free out of hope and faith that something will come up and it hasn't. I haven't been sensible. I need to change my priorities and that's not a bad thing that I'm not sad to do so. That's what I'd like to reiterate. If, in a years time, I'm still in London but doing less acting then that's ok. That's what path I've been led to. I know in my heart I will continue to make films and will always want to act, but I shouldn't be depressed if I have to grow up and realise I can't keep going the way I'm going financially. I need to do what I can to stay in London and if that means less acting then so be it. It's been an incredible adventure and maybe hasn't gone the way I'd hoped so far. Of course I wish I was further along than I am right now at my age and after 5 years of London. I think instead about how far I've come. How many films I've made and how proud I am of everything that I've achieved, and how I haven't let the negative things get me down. It sounds a bit like I'm saying goodbye to acting but that's not the case. I just feel like I've been living a bit of a dream that had an expiry date. I've never felt closer to the end of things and need to buy myself some more time. I need to grow up. If priorities need to change then that's what we have to do to keep the adventure going. It's not a sad thing or a goodbye. It's just a new direction that I need to take things in.

I said to my neighbour the other day, I'd love to get framed the words 'everything's going to be ok' on my wall. I love it. It's a brilliant reminder that whatever happens to anyone, the world isn't going to wait. Should anything happen to me that means I have to give up acting or move out of London the worlds going to keep on going. All I can do is my best. The rest is up to the universe to be kind and help a guy from Christchurch continue to live his dream. Everything's going to be ok. I am so grateful for every great thing that has happened in the last 5 ridiculous years. I hope for another 5.

March 2017

I'm glad to see the back of March which I will claim to be one of the hardest months I've had since moving to London.

I love doing these blogs. It's really therapeutic and I feel like I get everything on my mind off my chest. I've always been proud of how honest I am with them and I'll say exactly what's going on and how I'm feeling. If you read back on all of the posts of this blog I realise probably most, if not all of them, are either 'I'm feeling a bit down about things' or 'I'm determined to stop feeling down about things' which could potentially be a bit boring and repetitive. So to not break tradition I'm going to tell it straight and it may be a bit of a downer but know that it's all ok.

For the first time over the last month and a half I've been questioning how long I can be an actor for. I still want to do it of course but for the first time I started to think responsibly about how much money I can spend on staying in London and hoping things will work out. Acting is unpredictable and it can happen for anyone just like good actors can go their whole lives without anything happening to them. After what can only be described as a shit-tonne of tax to pay, a short film made over budget and no notably moneymaking acting jobs to speak of I started to think how realistic this is. I'm back to the Sam who first moved to London, unsure if I'll be here in a years time, but with less optimism. I'm tired. I get so tired of trying to constantly look for jobs and be positive and keep my head up and have faith that something will come up. The truth is I feel more pessimistic than ever about it. The faith and hope aren't there. I've felt quite depressed most of this month and just haven't been myself. I'd rather be alone in the evenings than see anyone and just didn't have the passion to make an effort to see people. I found out that a job I'd done last year was extending the usage which meant a bit more money which was great but didn't change how I felt. It's all starting to feel like I'm using small amounts of money that I'll get from jobs to plug a leak for the time being and not looking at the bigger problem of how I can achieve more and not have to rely on these little jobs to squeeze rent out of each month. I'm starting to look at the bigger picture. I feel very grown up. It's horrible.

God that was depressing. I feel like I should apologise for being such a down clown. Basically I'm feeling a lot better now. I went home last week and feel a lot better for it. I talked to my family about it and had a lot of thinking time. I also remembered that this is how I've felt the last 2 years at this point in the year and I got out of the slump. I don't know how many people read this when I post but I'm glad when people do. And totally get that I can be a Moany Mcdownerson with it sometimes. It's my therapy and I like to get it off my chest. It's my window to say how it's really going without sugarcoating things.

So to sum up:

• Actings hard
• Had a bit of a wobble
• Stopped wobbling

And that was March. April will be better.

The Boy Who Wanted To Be A Lighthouse Keeper

Well January wasn't written about at all and it's mid February now but it's for a good reason. Last July I was on a date and I don't know what brought it up but I talked about a list I had of 3 things that were pretty farfetched ideas that may never happen one day and one of them was to live in a lighthouse for a year. We'd gone to a park close by to mine with a couple of gin and tonic cans (because I'm a classy romantic kind of guy) and as I walked home in the full moon I had this image in my head of this guy in a 'meeting' with his parents saying he doesn't want to do what they want him to do anymore. He wants to follow his childhood dream instead. He wants to be a lighthouse keeper. I got home and went to the roof and wrote for an hour and a half the beginnings of what was going to be a film I would crowd fund and make 6 months later.

It was the busiest week of my life but one of the best. We were a skeleton crew for the magnitude of what we needed to get done but I am proud of everyone involved. I want to thank my parents too for going above and beyond and then some. They came down to help and feed us so stayed in a cottage down the road...which we ended up using as our main location. They were so tolerant of my stress and occasional idiocy and I wouldn't have been able to get through it without them. This is the most complete film we've made so far. I couldn't have done it with out Adam and Sam, the other Mighty Colours of Mighty Colour Films. I learnt so much during the week including how well we work together. There were definitely moments of stress but we were always on the same page and completely understood each other when there were disagreements. There is such an understanding between us that it proved to me that we will make amazing films in the future. There is a really strong bond between us and I consider them brothers. At the end of the week my heart was full. I had a moment on the morning of leaving, looking out over the village of Beer, of complete gratitude for what had happened. I loved every moment of it. The first day was rained off and we had to reschedule but I remember standing in the rain on that beach looking around and yelling 'I LOVE FILMMAKING' just because despite any stress that came with it I wouldn't rather be doing anything else. Writing and directing has become such a big passion and I loved directing this. I was really proud of myself when there were moments that weren't working or someone wasn't comfortable doing something and I had to find another way of doing it that would work. I think a lot about acting as an unpredictable luck driven career and think if I could make more films and get better and maybe even pick up some awards that would do the world of good for contacts and career. Whatever happens with acting I will never stop making films. I've found my home with it. It's one of the best things in the world doing something that makes yourself proud and I can't wait to show you the finished film.